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◈ 윤치호일기 (1894년) ◈

◇ 1월 ◇

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1. 1월 1일

1
1st. (25th of 11th Month) Monday.
 
2
It is God's hand that leadeth me.
3
Through the mysterious guidance of the Kind Father I find myself today as well qualified for my sphere of work as no other Corean is. My knowledge in Corean, Japanese, Chinese and English is more than superficial. Nothing now remains except to utilize what I have learned for the glory of God. May I, by the help of God, overcome the power of my 'original sin', laziness!
4
Wondering thoughts;
5
1. An infidel writer said that what a soul wants is a pair of wings and not an anchor. I say that our intellect needs wings and our faith, an anchor. To change the figure, a vessel must have both sails and an anchor. When wind is favorable sails are good. But when storms rage an anchor is better.
6
2. How far is a religion responsible for the social evils among the people over whom it rules? In the parliament of Religion it was constantly affirmed that a religion was not responsible, at all, for social evils. The non-Christian delegate resorted to this in order to hide the defects of their systems while Christians seemed to make it a shield against attacks on Christianity which has so far failed to suppress saloons, gambling hells etc.
7
The doctrine that a religion is not responsible for social evils puzzled me a great deal when I first heard it in the P.R. But now I am persuaded that it is a false doctrine. I have no doubt that a religion is responsible for the evils of the society over which it rules as long as it sanctions or teaches any great root of evil from which other evils must spring and under which virtues can not thrive. Such roots of evils are the polygamy of Confucianism and Mohammedanism; the annihilism of Buddha; the magic and sorcery of Taoism; the caste system of Brahminism; 'the ends-justify-means' doctrine of the Jesuit. Apply the same test to Christianity and show me a single fundamental doctrine from which other evils must spring and under which virtues can not thrive. Then and not till then I shall hold to Christianity.
8
3. A religion that does not work (accomplishes its proposed end) is worse than no religion. It only dissipates our spiritual palate and renders it insensible to new truths. In all religions I prefer Christianity because it works; in the divisions of Christianity I prefer Protestantism because it works; in the branches of Protestantism I prefer Trinitarianism because it works; in the schools of Trinitarianism I prefer Methodism because it works; in the diversified church politics of Methodism I prefer episcopacy because it works.
9
4. The Nankin governor sometime ago ordered that the people should abstain from eating fish of any sort in order to appease the marine goods whose displeasure has caused the drought. To eat fishes all the year round and then stop eating them for a few days in order to coax the sea deities into good humor. Too shallow.
10
5. The motive power for an Occidental is honor or love; for a Chinese, money; for a Japanese, patriotism; for a Corean, office.
11
6. In a long talk with Mr. Chi, well did he say that "Corea is a one-man-country"(朝鮮是一人國) . Every possible caution has been taken to prevent the union of the nation in a common patriotic cause. Four schools, three castes, legitimate and illegitimate classes, three south and two-north divisions(四論, 三等, 嫡庶, 三南兩北) . The system of the Corean government is comprised in and expressed by the word "Selfishness". The present Corean dynasty has been the worst in all histories of all nations.
12
Attended the missionary prayer meeting in the Union Church. Took dinner at Brother Loehrs'. I abominate the fashionable dinner in which a man and a woman are matched off to the table. It embarrasses me most dreadfully. I shall never go to such a dinner whenever I can see the least possible way of escaping the torture.
13
After the dinner had a pleasant talk with Dr. Allen as he smoke away his cigar. I love to hear him 'so cheerful and so philosophic in looking at things. Said he "When I first saw the street car conductor punch off every nickel, I wondered that my country should come to that disgrace. But when some years ago the Mission Rooms issued some tabulated circulars regquiring each missionary and each native preacher to reister how many times they preached, how many converts they made etc., I indignantly threw the circulars into the fire. What! am I, who have given my whole life to the work, to be a bell-puncher of a spiritual car?"
14
Mrs. Gather whose attractive person and lovely disposition besides her long residence at Oxford, Georgia draw me close to her. She is ridiculed for holding that a missionary should be so interested in the work as to forget other things. That a missionary ought to do so is beyond question. That very few to do so is well known. But to ridicule any one for doing so is certainly wrong.
15
Miss Mary has grown a little paler. But she is growing prettier and sweeter. The power of a pretty woman over me is irresistible.
16
Dr. ..., a lady of vigorous mind and more vigorous tongue, said at the table that she didn't understand why people should laugh at any woman marrying for money when they marry for convenience; and that some missionary marriages are simply a disgrace as their motives being far lower than money―merely to get a wife or a husband.
17
During a discussion of the comparative merits of Puck Judge and Life―
18
Mrs. Gather "Dr. ..., which do you enjoy most?"
19
Dr. ... "O, I enjoy Life! (life)
20
Mrs. Gather "Do you?"
 

2. 1월 3일

1
3rd. (卄七) Wednesday. A cold and gloomy day.
 
2
Took tiffin at Reverend Rees' in the London Mission Home on Shantung Road. He has a charming wife and she showed her English training by her reserved manners. Spent three very pleasant hours.
3
Felt very tired and sleepy after supper. Made worse by the Chinese sermon of Brother Loehr in the prayer meeting. After the service nodded away an hour in my chair by the glowing stove. Dr. Allen came up and put me into cheerful humor. 'Tis strange that I should find his company so congenial. God knows how much I owe to this good man for my reformation.
 

3. 1월 4일

1
4th. (卄八) Thursday. A chilly and gloomy day.
 
2
Oh the sense or rather the experience of loneliness! Am just hungry for some fair being to love and be loved by. Indeed a life like mine in Shanghai is tasteless in the extreme. There is nothing in it to feed my affection.
 

4. 1월 5일

1
5th. (卄九) Friday.
 
2
Brother Loehr complained that a teacher who could not come to his class on account of some lung trouble should spend hours in a cold cathedral to hear organ recitals.
3
The lack of oneness of purpose, and of action on the part of the teacher is a great hindrance to the school. Brother Loehr leads the chapel services all alone, because Professor Bonnell would not read and pray in Chinese in the chapel.
4
Why not then one Chinese and another English? Because either missionary would his own way or none. The Sunday and Wednesday preachings are altogether conducted by Brother Loehr, now and then relieved by Dr. Allen. Other American teachers show no interest in the service if their non-attendance be the sign of their indifference.
5
Brother Loehr is a good disciplinarian, a zealous preacher and a methodical worker. His failure is his unaccommodating stiffness. He does not know how to conciliate different orders of mind and temper into a common service. He holds to his views until others in despair leave him alone and go their ways. A great work can't be carried on in this fashion.
6
Brother Loehr reminds me a great deal of Dr. Tillet. Both are warmhearted, conscientious and invaluable for a specific division of labor but quite unfit for a larger command.
7
It is remarkable that my knowledge of the faults of some people becomes painfully clear in spite of my love for them as friends and that either does not weaken the other.
 

5. 1월 9일

1
9th. (十二月初三) Tuesday. A frosty but bright morning.
 
2
1. In the first number of 佛門月報 published by the Japanese Buddhists in Shanghai the editor tells us that Buddhism is so deep that the study of the twelve sets scriptures of three repositories (三藏十二部) would not be sufficient to understand the meanings of the founder. Allowing 112 volumes to each set the whole would make a library of 1344 volumes. Save me from a religion or any other system of teaching whose meanings I can not understand after reading or studying 1344 volumes on it!
3
2. Mr. Chi told me some days ago that, as to him who has seen the sea every stream falls into insignificance, so Christianity becomes to him a contemptible little system who has dived into the sea of truth of Buddhism.
4
3. The miserary in dealing with a Buddhist is that you can not pin him down on some definite proposition. If he gets tight anywhere he slips into his "Infinite Nothingness". He glories that Buddhism is impossible to be understood by common mortals. He believes or says he believes that there is neither East nor West; neither North nor South; neither reality nor appearance; neither life nor death. Everything is and yet is not. Everything is a dream yet not a dream. Everything contradicts itself. A Buddhist takes to lies as a duck to water.
5
4. Mr. Chi thinks it is a sign of one's lack of ability not to commit adultry.
6
5. After any debate between the believers of different faths it is very natural that each one should claim the victory. But the victory will remain not with the subtle logician or finest orator or ablest debator but with the best liver of moral truths.
 

6. 1월 11일

1
11th. (五) Thursday. A beautiful day.
 
2
About 2 p.m. Mr. 禹範善 called on me. In course of a conversation he said that a year of famine will do up the present Corean dynasty. Amen!
3
As an illustration of the oppressed condition of the people
4
he said:
5
1. "In 平安道, a man has an ox. The family depends on it. When the news reach the itching ears of the local magistrate, he, the father of the people, appoints the farmer a 佐守 or some other local officer. The demons in the amun, hearing the glad tidings, go to the unfortunate man's home for fees. The hen―whose eggs supply the simple need of the family―is killed. Then, the dog! Then the cooking pots etc. are sold. Then away they go with whatever cash they may get. The end of the evil is not yet. The farmer upon whom the honor(?) has been forced has to sell his precious ox or cow and piece of land to return the kindness and condescension (?) of the governor."
6
"But what becomes the man who buys the ox or the land? Well the governor, as soon as he hears that some poor fellow has cash enough to buy an ox, squeezes the very life of him by the same process. This goes on until no one dares to buy the ox which then goes into the governor's pocket, so to speak."
7
2. "There are merchants from 義州 in Shanghai. They go into the interior of China for trade. When they gain any profit they squander it away in Shanghai rather than return home with it. Why? Because when they go home the governor tortures every cent he has and a deal which he has not, on the pretex that the poor fellow carried on a secret trade."
8
Mr. 禹 told me that he wanted to become a Buddhistic monk. Here then is a secret why so many ardent but hopeless men are driven into Buddhism. Its quietistic doctrine and obscurity give a man of restlessness a quasi peace by shutting the world out of his senses and occupying his imaginations in religious speculations.
 

7. 1월 13일

1
13th.(七) A gloomy and chilly day.
 
2
From 1:30 p.m. with my Chinese teacher Mr. 鄒, went inside of the city to visit some of the temples. Oh the smell and sights! On our way home he treated me in a tea shop on Fuchow Road.
3
At 8 escorted Messrs 池 and 姜 to the street bound for Chifoo. They left their valuables in the Japanese hotel to be claimed when they should come back within two months with money.
4
Mr. 姜 in his gentleness and goodheartedness reminds me of my dear King. Both are singularly exposed to the wiles of designing men.
5
In the First Reader a lesson reads:
6
"The ass is a gentle and patient creature. He will do much useful work and is content with the coarsest grass or the thistles that grow by the road side." Isn' t this a fine description of some harmless folks in the world. Let your gentleness and patience be guided by intelligence and purpose.
 

8. 1월 16일

1
16th. (十) Tuesday. A warm but cloudy day.
 
2
I feel done up. The old disease has been visiting me very frequently in the past few days. Wakefulness has weakened me very much.
3
I wish I could marry. I am very anxious to get a nice little wife. There is a Japanese girl whom I like very much, but the pretty little creature can not be my wife as she came to Shanghai for trade. To marry a Chinese girl, I can not see her and then I am told I have to have about200 begin with. Isn't it a heathenish custom that you have to give money to your father-in-law for a wife? I am amazed to hear that this custom obtains even among Christians. A Corean girl will suit me, but where can I find her. An American or European girl―it is out of question to think about her even thus I am in a bad fix. If no help comes and that right soon, I tremble for my health.
4
Sent2 to Mr. 禹. This is the reason why I don't want to intercourse with the Coreans in Shanghai. They make it their infamous trade to cheat and to squeeze other people.
5
It is infinitely easier to persuade people to be Buddhists than to ask them to be Christians. In the former case you don't have to impose any irksome regulations on the moral conduct of a man while to be a Christian you have to insist on his forsaking much of what he thinks to be pleasure and happiness.
6
What good Professor Bonnell could not accomplish, as a missionary teacher with his tender heart, sane mind, elegant education―if he had zeal!
 

9. 1월 17일

1
17th. (十一) Wednesday. A cloudy day.
 
2
In the morning I wrote the following letter to Professor W.B.B.―"To you I come with a matter the details of which I hesitate to tell Dr. Allen even not that I love him less but that I love you more."
3
"Owing to my ardent temperment I have never been happy without some specific being or object to love. Often have I sighed for mother, a sister, or wife whom I might concentrate my affections. Since the report of my mother's―reached me the yearnings of my heart have grown intenser.
4
"Soon after my return Dr. Allen in a quiet talk asked me what I thought of marrying. I told him and honestly too that it was out of question under my present circumstances. Indeed, the difficulty of getting a suitable person, the problem of support and the freedom of movement which I now enjoy―all this persuades me to abide as I am. Considering my circumstances in the light of reason and not of passion I should be and am proud of my single blessedness."
5
"But the success of my work depends on the vigor of my health. When I 'feel like going to the devil' as an honest Methodist said in a prayer meeting, I can't do anything. My constitution, which, frail though it looks, has stood the changes of many climes has of late been running down hill. The doctors both American and Japanese whom I have consulted invariably told me to marry as soon as possible. I laughed at this prescription as a fun. But now I see no way to preserve my vitality except in following the doctors' direction. Rather than crippling my health and thereby my usefulness I am willing to part with my bachelor's independence. Nothing but absolute necessity has driven me to this conclusion.
6
"Where then can I get a wife worthy of love and confidence. Naturally I prefer a Corean. But that is hopeless. There is a Japanese girl in Shanghai whom I like very much but the pretty little creature is too worldly. Dr. Allen last time suggested Dr. C.K.M.'s daughter now at Miss H's school. Do you know anything of her and of the intention of her parents and sister? Can you help me in any way? Do you know any other?"
7
"In spite of your interest in me, you may not be able to assist me in this particular affair. But I am happy to have in you a friend for whose ears I regard nothing too sacred in my heart or history."
8
Professor B. under Providence, taught me English, converted me a Christian, helped me to go to America. Who knows but that he may get me a wife?
9
Mr. 禹範善 came to bid me goodbye. Whatever may be his faults, sycophancy or cowardice is none of them. Under a good government he will find himself a useful man.
10
The sword which Mr. Soyezima gave me in 1882, was kept for five years in the basement room of the college during my absence. When I opened my trunk after my return I found that damp, moths and rust had done their worst on my things. Was agreeably surprised to find my Japanese steel as blue as if it had just been polished. Our character ought to be like this steel, changeless under all circumstances.
11
The Cantonese boy doesn't play with the boys from other places.
 

10. 1월 18일

1
18th. Thursday. A cold and gloomy day.
 
2
After the evening chapel Brother Loehr and I took a long walk. He speaks to me more freely than any missionary friend I know, Prof. Bonnell not excepted. Brother Loehr told me that he would not be the acting principal of the college unless he be assured of the sympathy and cooperation of the teachers; that he is grievously disappointed at the indifference and worldliness of Miss Mary Allen, that she is completely under the control of her aunt Mrs. Haskel; that Miss Mary cares for missionaries as much as her father who cares for them as little as any body; that Dr. Allens children including Mrs. Loehr, were brought up as badly concerning their spiritual nature, as Christian children could be; that in the opinion of Dr. Allen and wife the sun rises and sets on Edgar. Brother Loehr is disgusted with Dr. Allen's smoking habit.
3
Brother Loehr is a man in whom there is no guile. He says and does what he believes right without fear. His children are far better controlled than those of Prof. Bonnell who is kind and indulgent to a fault. Brother Loehr loses much of his influence by his want of conciliating tact. He has handled, so to speak, Miss Mary so roughly for her lack of zeal etc. that she is rebellious. A dear and sweet spoiled child, who no more knows what trials mean than the lily of the field what toil is, ought to be broken in gradually into the harness of the race of life. Dr. Allen is reported to have said "Mary and Mr. Yun could work well together for he is gentle etc."
4
So far as I am concerned I have nothing to do with the inner affairs of the missionaries. As before my God and Savior I shall work faithfully as long as I am here.
 

11. 1월 21일

1
21st. A cloudy day.
 
2
After the S.S. my Chinese teacher Mr. 鄒 took me to Dr. Farnham's chapel to see a Christian girl. She looked rather pretty but too young.
3
Dr. Farnham said to me kindly "We are all interested in you and your sucess".
4
After tiffin at Brother Loehr's as usual, spent an hour or two with Dr. Allen. I love his cheerful conversation as the sweet smile of his daughter Mary.
5
At supper my Japanese hostess told me there is a Japanese girl whom I might temporarily live with until a permanent wife be got! I told her I could not do such a thing. Such is our oriental morality.
6
Ha told me his experience in Russia where he had gone from Corea. He in his ugly Kengsang-to dialect, related how he introduced himself to a Corean magistrate in Vladivostock; how through the kindness of the friend, he became the adopted son of a Russian official, how he was initiated into the Greek church; how he was sent to a school; how he suffered from cold because of the unkind treatment of the wife of the Russian; and how the finally decided to leave Russia. I can not say what part of this awkward story so awkwardly told is to be believed. But one thing is certain that he shows himself a poor stuff not to be able to make his way when others are ready to help him. He left the Methodist School at Seoul from caprice for aught I know. In Russia, if his words can be relied upon, he could have gotten an education but for his laziness, I am sure. Since I met him at Shanghai he has shown no sign of a ambitious student. Now he is waiting for a letter from Mr. Pak to call him to the subscription school in Tokio. I have no inclination to help anyone who has no spirit to help himself.
7
The most distressing fact with Ha is that he seems to be the easiest man to convert to any faith that may serve his end" I am sure I could make him receive baptism and join the church tomorrow, if I had the mind to be fooled.
 
8
A few Corean ballads carelessly translated:
9
I am longing, I am longing, I am longing for thee, dear. My heart sick this longing has deepened, what medicine can cure? Insam, nokiong for them I care not. O for the voice of my darling!
10
상로세 상로세 임을 그려 상로셰 임을 그려 깁히 든 병
11
무삼약을 쓰랴더냐 인삼녹용 사실네 님의 소만 드러지고.
12
"Ye begonia in yon garden, mourn not that your blossoms fade. The May of the coming year will bring them again. But my darling once gone―when will he return?"
13
명십리 당화야 네진다 스러마라 년삼월 시오면
14
치야 피련만은 우리님은 한번가면 다시오기 어렵도다
15
“To part after death is a lot common to all. But this separation during life―Oh green trees may burn!
16
죽어서 영니별은 남과 갓치 울련만은
17
러니별은 초목의 불이 붓네.
18
“Long is the night, long is the night! Oh! why is the night so long? Is the night long to others? No! Long is the night and cold the room, because my dear is not here!
19
밤두길 밤두길 추야장 밤두길 남도 이리 밤이긴マ
20
밤길고 방기넌 임읍넌 탓이로다.
21
“I dreamt last night and me thought a letter came from my darling. When I read the message I placed it tenderly on my bossom. But alas! The letter, where is it? Only my heart is heavier."
22
간밤에 을 니 임의게서 편지왔네
23
그 편지 바보고 가심에 노왓더니
24
편지 간곳읍고 가심만 답답네.
 

12. 1월 23일

1
23rd.(十七) Has been raining all the day.
 
2
I am just crazy with loneliness.
3
Went to the Japanese post office four times for a letter either from Nagami or Mr. Pak all in vain.
4
The only remedy for this loneliness is a pretty, sensible, pious and loving wife. But this remedy seems as far out of my reach as ever. Moneylessness stands in my way.
5
Morality without religion is a tree without root. I remember that Nagami used to speak about making a synthetic religion by calling from every system what is best. He often translated some of the most purely ethical sayings from the Bible and some of B. Franklin's proverbs to send to his little brother, hoping thus to make the latter a moral perfection. In the meantime the synthesist himself indulged freely in all of the Oriental vices. He is now no better a man, morally than he was then.
 

13. 1월 24일

1
24th.(十八) Rainy some and cloudy all of the day.
 
2
Dr. Allen showed me the picture of Miss Marshall and of some few others. I am so lonely and unsettled in mind that I must have a wife to do any good.
3
I need not attack Buddhism. Let sin and world do that. If the system overcomes them it will live on its merit. If overcome, that will demonstrate its unfitness to be.
4
My mind was so full of thoughts of and about marrying that I found it impossible to study. How and where and when am I going to get the longed for relief.
5
In the Chinese bathroom where I go I some days ago in joke, said "Alasz Ningpo niung" "Ng sz Zaung Hai niemag". To which one of the wags said "Ala sz Ningpo niung" "Ng sz Zaung Hai niung" "Wo si Peking jen". "Daumfool sznga Ks niung". A good comment on the morals of an average foreigner in Shanghai.
6
Christianity works up; Confucianism works down.
 

14. 1월 25일

1
25th.(十九) A cloudy and cold day.
 
2
After tiffin called on Dr. Allen who told me that the pick and choice of the girls in Miss Haygood's school hasn't been engaged yet and that I might talk to Miss Haygood regarding her. Called on Prof. Bonnell and he advised me to see Miss Haygood.
3
At 2 p.m. found Miss Haygood in her study. In a group picture of the girls she pointed out Miss Mo 秀珍. She then spoke of the girl most enthusiastically as a girl of uncommon intelligence, piety and affection. The girl's mother is a Bible woman. Her father is an old man of no account. She has made such progress in music that she has supported herself in the school as an assistant music teacher. Miss Haygood then showed me the Chinese writing exercise of the girl and also her English composition. Was agreeably surprised to see what remarkable progress the girl has made in two years in English.
4
Miss Haygood kindly promised to secure me an interview with her in her study.
5
After supper Okura, the Japanese girl, came to see my hostess. Her gracefulness, her beautiful hand, her fair complexion fascinate me whenever I come in her presence. She complained of being lonesome and thanked me for my company. If I were to press the matter as of business there is probability of gaining her. My honest hostess told me to marry Miss Mo and not Okura-san who has come to Shanghai for money making. What shall I do?
 

15. 1월 26일

1
26th.(二十)
 
2
The winter term of the school was closed this morning. Wrote a note to Miss Haygood with a small photo of mine. Asked her to contrive some means to see 秀珍.
3
Late in the p.m. Dr. Allen called on me and gave me the gist of a Chinese article which he had just dictated. He always takes comprehensive views of things. One reason I love his conversation is his cheerfulness and uncomplaining mood.
4
Saw Okura-san in the boarding house. I declare she is sweet enough to be swallowed whole.
5
Took a long walk along the splendid sidewalk on the Bund.
 

16. 1월 27일

1
27th.(卄一) Saturday. Snowed more or less all the day.
 
2
My thoughts were so absorbed in 秀珍 that I could hardly do anything but look at her dear sweet picture.
3
Wrote to Dr. Candler and Bishop Haygood. Received a nice letter from sister Fannie. Set up my Chinese teacher to a Cantonese supper. He is quick, sharp and well informed. Am sorry I have told him too much of my present affairs with Miss 秀珍.
4
Attended the prayer meeting in the Ladies Home. Mr. Parker led the service. I enjoyed the service very much and thanked my Savior for the blessing.
5
Miss Haygood in a note told me that she has to wait for Mrs. Mo to consult the affair.
6
The ceremonies and customs and formalities of China hold in an intolerable slavery the affections, thoughts, actions and imagination of the people. I never thought that China has such miserable mass of what the Chinese is pleased to call 規矩 or 禮義. The principal reason why I hate to put on the Chinese costume is that I might thereby be subject to the native Christians conform to them. Oh for a simplicity of manner and manliness of dealing!
 

17. 1월 28일

1
28th.(卄二) Sunday. Biting cold.
 
2
Could not sleep but an hour or two last night. Appetite is gone. I know who can cure me of this; but suppose she kicks!
3
At 9 a.m. with Haygood went to the New Methodist Church near the Race Course to attend the S.S. or rather to see 秀珍. Brother Loehr at the reguest of Miss Haygood took me around the Church to see the different classes of the S.S. A pair of stairs led us to the room where Miss Reynold and Miss 秀珍 were teaching a group of children. The laudsome and regular features, modest but dignified manner, the sweet voice and the exquisite smiles of Miss 秀珍 wafted my soul to the third heaven. I am crazy to see more of her and to claim the sweet girl my precious wife. God grant it!
4
Took tiffin at Professor Bonnell's. Mrs. Bonnell being unwell Miss Bonnell presided over the table. She is certainly a beautiful woman if she is proud and spoiled.
5
I am told that before Dr. Allen mentioned my desire to marry at all, Miss Reynold had said that she saved Miss Mo 秀珍 for me.
6
In order to get physically tired for a good nights sleep, I took walk to the vicinity of Church and back. Met the fine boys of Dr. C.K. Marshall. Charlie is one of handsomest Chinese boys I have seen. His sister is by no means as pretty.
7
Took sick for much of supper.
8
Ha improves on longer aquaintance. I am becoming attached to him.
 

18. 1월 29일

1
29th.(卄三) Monday. A cold day. The weather which has been wet and gloomy got brightened up.
 
2
Ha "Did you have dreams last night?"
3
T.H.Y. "How could I have any dream without sleep?"
4
In a letter to Miss Haygood said I truely. "My affections which have had no special object to rest on for the nine years of wanderings are running wild to the girl who seems to draw them out in spite of my will."
5
After tiffin spent the greater part of the p.m. in helping Professor Bonnell to translate a Buddhist tract. Was rather glad to have my mind engaged in this. Every time I think of 秀珍, (Dear girl!) my whole frame thrills with a sensation of love and longing.
6
A gentleman during the progress of the Congress of Religions, talked about discovering a platform on which Catholics and Protestants, Unitarians and Trinitarians, Buddhists and Baptists, Presbyterians and Pharsees, Confucians and Quakers, Spiritualists and Materialists―in fact religious persuation of every shade, shape, size and sort could all stand together. He should have wished for the sheet which Peter saw in a vision full of clean and unclean beasts among which, he (the speaker) would have made a fine ass or a finer goose.
7
Attended the Monday afternoon missionary service in the Union Church. Afterward, attended the consecration service of the Endeavor Society. Enjoyed the services very much.
8
Might will be right in international affairs as long as there is nation that is weak. In blaming the English or the French or the American for trampling the rights of weaker races let us remember that the latter have oppressed and injured others feebler than themselves and will continue to do so when they can. Thus the European or the American is by no means a sinner above all the Galilaeans. This all the more manifests the glorious nature of Christianity whose believers give substance and life to elevate and save and protect the weak.
9
Miss Reynold yesterday morning told me that she had never thought it would be such a delightful task to teach the Chinese girls. Miss Stevens the daughter of the present pastor of the Union is enthusiastic in teaching her Chinese pupils day and night. God grant these women grace and blessings. If I am not as earnest as they it's no reason why I could not see and admire their spirit of Christ.
10
I am sorry to see Miss Lilian in Shanghai. She looks more like a fish out of its element than a daughter among parents and a sister brothers. Certainly such natures ought to be left to enjoy the life in their happy lands.
 

19. 1월 30일

1
30th.(卄四) Tuesday. A cold day.
 
2
As Miss Haygood is waiting to see Mrs. Mo to negotiate the affair I felt impatient all day long. Oh that I could hold the hand of charming 秀珍 and spend the lively hours in sweet company! After tiffin was glad enough to help Prof. Bonnell in translating a tract and thus to direct my mind from the absorbing thought of 秀珍 O, the power of a dear girl!
3
It is pleasant to work with Prof. Bonnell. He is so kind, gentlemanly, polite and intelligent. His wife has always been good and gracious to me. God keep them under His wings of mercy and love!
4
This morning my Chinese teacher gave me two reasons why I should put on the Chinese dress in order to win the mother of the girl. One was that it would disarm her prejudices against a foreigner. The other was that30 a month, which are a good salary for a Chinese, sound too small for a foreigner to attract the attention of a Chinese. Compare this with the statement which my Japanese hostess made to me that she couldn't conscientiously recommend Okura-san because the girl showed her low-mindedness by asking how much my salary is. My hostess is after all but a woman of the commonest family. What an honorable contrast a Japanese presents to the Chinese in this attitude toward money. Money is the only power that makes a Chinese kick up his heels.
5
Attended the monthly conference of the Shanghai missionaries held at Mr. McTyeire' s Home. Went purposely after the social part of the gathering was over. The subject was the reading of four Buddhistic tracts. Prof. Bonnell after stating how hard he found it to translate the Buddhistic names said "I have done my best; but if I am wrong, why then all right." A nice hit that brought down the house.
6
In translating one of the verses in the "Skull Scripture" a lady read "Why are not the men of the world happy? Because they are involved in the affection of women." The audience seemed to enjoy the verse very much. Being called on to say a few words I said "When I saw so many Buddhas have the word, moon, in their names, I thought that the whole thing is all moon shine." Then I closed my remarks with the observations I made after the conversation with Mr. Chi.
7
Mr. Smith, a Christian business man of New Zealand was present. He was very cordial to me. By the way it is a wonderful fact that the Conference is made chiefly of the English, the Scotch and the Americans.
8
I see nothing but nonsense in the Buddhistic tracts while missionaries seem to be much impressed with some of the bright thoughts and sayings. The reason may be that a missionary find unexpectedly something bright in what they thought all humbug. While I discover lots of stuff in what I, in childhood and ignorance, regarded as true and sensible.
9
Today, my Japanese hostess informed me that there is Japanese young woman who seeks a good life long companion not for clothes and food but for domestic felicities, that she (the young woman) takes a great deal fancy to me and that she is perfectly reliable etc.
 

20. 1월 31일

1
31st.(卄五) Wednesday.
 
2
Another nights poor rest made me feel unwell all the day.
3
This being the day on which Miss Haygood expected to see Mrs. Mo I have been in suspense from morning until this hour, 20 to 8 p.m. What, no news! Oh, 秀珍, if you knew but a little how much I love you, you would not keep me in this state of sleepless expectation!
4
Wrote to sister Fannie. Perhaps the coldest day we have yet had this winter.
5
As I was trying to compose my mind by reading the splendid pages of Prescott, Dr. Allen came up, to my great delight. He told me that the matrimonial tide of Shanghai runs so high now as to amount to a 'bore'; that, 40 years ago, the people living around Emory and Henry looked upon him as a wonderful being to haveridden a R.R. car. etc. etc.
6
Received a note from Mrs. Bonnell informing me that Miss Haygood found Mrs. Mo favorably inclined to my suit. Dr. Allen laughed cheerfully when he read the message.
7
In a hot and dusty day, to have a cup of water just enough to wet a sponge to wipe the body with is certainly better than having no water at all. But a big tubful of cool water with soap and towels to luxuriate in is infinitely preferable. After a few months study of English, I tackled Washington Irvings' "Rip Van Wincle." It look me three or four months to get through with it, having to spell out each word as I went. While this was all right enough, what a luxury it is now to me to read through the same story at a sitting, enjoying the spirit and humor of the article without an effort! To have a religion enough to overcome a temptation or suppress a passion with the skin of the teeth is beyond double nobler than being done up by every temptation. But far nobler and safer and Christian it is that we should have so much religion in us as to be almost an unconscious conqueror of evils both within and without.
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윤치호(尹致昊) [저자]
 
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