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3
According to the Corean calendar today is my birthday. Very cold. Snowed some-A bright evening and a starry night.
4
About 4 p.m. Dr. Allen sent for me and reported the favorable result of the negotiation which he and Miss Haygood had with 秀珍's parents. Before going to see Miss Haygood I called on Professor W.B.B. and told him (in a written letter) my early marriage to 姜女, her criminal connections before and after the marriage; the discovery of her crime, in the very act, by my father, and his final and necessary separation between her and me. I remarked that my object in revealing this passage in my personal history was not apology or confession but conscientiousness and honesty. He understood my motives clearly and assured me that the event will and can not be a valid objection to my remarriage.
5
Saw Miss Haygood. She informed that the parents are willing and that the consent of the young lady remains to be obtained. She promised to use her influence on behalf of simple and quiet Christian wedding.
6
Dr. Allen and Miss Haygood both think that I must adopt the Chinese costume to avoid the incovenience and evil talks which are sure to rise if Miss 秀珍 and I were to live together in two different styles of dress. Professor Bonnell advises me to make 秀珍 adopt the foreign dress.
7
Had a heart to heart conversation with Professor B. in his bedroom. I love to tell him everything of myself; he is so sympathetic. I told him that one reason why I didn't want 秀珍 to put on the European style and to live according the foreign standard or mode of living was to avoid the appearance even of my being spoiled by an American education. Prof. Bonnell heartily sympathized with my view and told me not to mind what people say in such cases. Prof. Bonnell in his love for me seems to forget, it for the time being, that I am of another race than his. God bless him for his kindness to me!
8
As long as I remain in the mission I shall avoid doing anything that may give occasion to people for speaking about me as if I had never known anything but heel and rags before coming into contact with Europeans and American!
10
2nd.(卄七) Friday. A beautiful but cold morning.
11
In the morning Prof. Bonnell came and told me that he and Dr. Allen have decided not to mention the 姜女 affairs to Miss Haygood.
12
In a letter to Miss Haygood this morning said I among other things;
13
"As I want a wife not for convenience but for companion: not a pet but a partner; not as my inferior but as my equalꡑin short as I want a wife who will heart to heart share with me the sorrows and joys, the trials and victories of life through its changing scenes I regard the Christian character and loving heart of Miss 秀珍 a richer treasure than gold and silver.
14
"If she be favorably inclined, please intimate to her my attitude toward the Chinese customs or 䂓矩. Being an Oriental myself I have respected and will continue to respect any and all customs that are good and sensible. But for the mass of empty ceremonies(虛禮) and affectations in words and manner so prevalent in Confucian countries I have the profoudest contempt. Miss 秀珍, intelligent and pious as she is will agree with me in this.
15
"If she kindly accept my offer, I am sure she will make me a happier man and a better Christian. On my part I promise to devote to her my entire love and service both of which she richly deserves."
16
Spent the whole morning in suspense as the girl's consent was to be had this a.m. At 1 p.m. Miss Haygood telephoned to Prof. Bonnell requesting my presence. Of course I went. Miss Haygood informed me that 秀珍 after an attentive hearing of the whole case and silent consideration whispered in her ear saying "Zing nioyutsei!" or "I am willing!"
17
In order to consummate the event before the departure of Miss Haygood for home it was decided that the marriage should take place on the 21st March or the 15th day of the 2nd moon according to the Corean calendar.
18
Took supper at Prof. Bonnell's all the more enjoyable because informal.
19
T.H.Y. "If she kicked, it might have been becoming to her name."
20
Professor and Mrs. B. "How?"
21
T.H.Y. "Because her name is Mo(馬) or horse."
24
In the morning wrote the following note to Professor Bonnell:
25
"After the prayer meeting last night I had quite a talk with Miss Haygood concerning the dress reform. I understand her well and appreciate her reasons fully.
26
As for your reasons why I should not adopt the Chinese costume!
27
"1. The change may cut me ever away from Corea. In my possession there is a royal permission signed by H.M. The King of Corea allowing me to adopt any costume that I may deem best.
28
"2 and 3. I may lose my influence thereby etc. etc. I fear this. But Miss Haygood also is right in saying that influence depends on man and not on the style of dressing.
29
"On the other hand my instinctive dislike of the shaving and the cue and the fact that the change may hinder my free access to certain places and gatherings where I may get profit and inspiration―all this persuaded mo to stay as I am.
30
"The reasons for the change are (1) that it will enable me to have a freer access to the homes and hearts of the Chinese; and that (2) it will save expenses etc. The weightiest reason, however, is that it will relieve her from unwelcome imputations. It is my Christian duty to keep her honor from every possible suspicion.
31
"Even if your reasons were less considerate than they are I thank you and Mrs. B. from the bottom of my heart. You look at the matter so sympathetically that you talk like no other American would. Some may attribute my reluctance for the change to vanity and would-be-Ameicanism. But between you and me I am too proud to be would-be-anything above what I am. etc. etc."
32
Worshipped in Trinity Church. Brother Sz. preached. He is one of the best Christians you ever saw.
33
Took tiffin with the ladies of the Trinity Girls' school. Misses Hughs, Bomar, Waters were very gracious.
34
The monthly Supper at 3 p.m. My precious was there. Every lady in the Mission is very fond of her.
35
So I have some one to love. Thank God! Make both her and me deserve each other's love and confidence! Told her mother to get a servant for 秀珍. I can't bear to think even that her pretty hands should do the drudgery of washing etc.
36
Received a letter from Dr. Candler. How I wish I could hear his to me exceedingly attractive voice as it sounds forth manly and energetic thoughts!
37
Miss Haygood is a Bishop by right of nobility of character and greatness of soul.
40
This morning wrote to precious 秀珍 the following letter through the care of Miss Haygood:
41
"My dearest Sieu Tsung. It is a pity that we, who have the best reasons in the world to see each other, are prevented from so doing. I submit to this custom not for my sake but for yours.
42
"Today Miss Haygood will hand you our engagement ring. For this sacred office no holier hand and truer heart could have been found than hers. Accept the ring not as a matter of custom, but as a golden sign of our vows that we are henceforth to unite into one our affections and aims, our fears and hopes, our sorrows and joys.
43
"God help me to be worthy of your love and fidelity!"
44
Closed the note with a request for a letter to cheer me in waiting and working.
45
A Russian exile once said in Nashville that a Russian is composed of flesh and blood and passport. A Chinese is made of flesh and blood and customs. It is impossible in this tomb of formalities and customs to move a step, utter a word or do a thing without everlastingly haunted by 䂓矩 or custom. The tyranny of custom is worse than that of superstition in that one may believe in the latter but he has to conform to the miserable and abominable customs whether he wills or nills.
46
As for me I shall conform to no 規矩 that is not sensible, sincere and simple. Examples of the absurd customs:
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1. The use of red cards 1 foot long by 7 or 8 inches.
48
2. The use of your 別號 on the face of the card with your proper name printed in small characters on the back.
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3. The custom of Foong Sui and of observing days.
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4. The custom of scratching the ground with your right foot in making bows.
51
5. All the tomfoolery customs connected with the marriage ceremony.
52
6. The custom of binding women's feet.
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7. The custom of excessive adulation, learned quotations and allusions in a letter.
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8. The custom of not drinking the tea offered you in a house.
55
Called on Miss Haygood at 5:30 p.m. She told me that she had put the ring on my Darling's finger by herself. 秀珍’s mother seems to be very much disappointed not to have everything in the Chinese fashion Goodness!
56
When I told Miss Haygood Dr. Allen's offer of a part of the old dormitory to me, she decidedly objected to taking 秀珍 among boys.
57
Spent the evening with Dr. Allen, Brother Loehr, Miss Gairy and Mrs. Loehr. Dr. Allen read Macauley's Virginia and I enjoyed it very much. In philosophizing the common fact that distance or antiquity or both tend to magnify small things the Doctor said "One of the greatest embarrassments of my life has been ascribing to me, by my friends at home, powers and achievements that I have no claim to." Played the game of 'hidden cities' for a few minutes.
58
Had I seen half of the perplexities there are in marrying a Chinese maiden I don't think I would have ventured into it.
61
Went to bed at 4 p.m. yesterday evening, so weary I felt.
62
In a letter to Miss Haygood said I:
63
"After consulting Dr. Allen I have given up the idea of living in the old dormitory. Yesterday morning Mrs. and Mr. B. kindly went with me to the8 house and they pronounced it good. Shall settle with the owner today.
64
"Yesterday afternoon I had a talk with my teacher. He told me that, according to 'Kueijui', I ought to wear the trumpet shaped hat with red threads all over it; that I must obey the 'Kueijui' to wear the black satin robe; that I would outrage the sacred "Kueijui" of the Middle Kingdom if I didn't put on the big black shoes; that I must (ih-ding) wear all this for wedding, for feast, for bowing etc. etc. He then solemnly informed me that "Keuijui" imperatively demands that I should issue red invitation cards in my father's name(!) ; that the bride's friends and relatives should be asked to ride behind the flowery sedan chair. I was so sick and disgusted with this attempt to chain me down with the intolerable fetters of custom that I told the man I would not marry at all rather than doing all that.
65
"My dear Miss Haygood you see the reason why I don't want to marry in the Chinese costume. If I swallow a camel I must not strain at a gnat; if I put on the dress and do the cue I must not refuse to go through all the tomfoolery of the 'Kueijui'. You see my choice is not between my native costume and a foreign but between two foreign styles, Chinese or European. The young lady's family might with some reason demand my putting on the Corean costume; but for the Chinese dress I have no obligation either national or personal.
66
"However, out of my respect to your request, to the feelings of 秀珍 and to the matter of expenses, I have consented to change my dress as soon as practicable. But to put on Chinese ceremonial(?) dress before or for the wedding it is too much even for my accommodating disposition. If I were to marry in Corea I would without scruple ignore all the absurd and heathenish customs there. Why should I be then subject to the tyranny and absurdities in China?
67
"I see no other way to get out of all this than your firm influence over 秀珍 and my standing on the plea that being a Corean, I don't know the celestial 'Kueijuis'; (Here I find that "where ignorance is bliss 'tis folly to be wise") . Have I wearied you? Pardon me; you can understand the different sides of the question."
69
11th.(六) Sunday. A chilly and gloomy day.
70
Worshipped in the Union Church from 11-12:30. Took tiffin at Dr. Allens.
71
Had the most wretched time the whole p.m. Nights of sleeplessness told on my spirit. The dress question perplexed me very much. The changes insisted on by my 秀珍’s family went against my prejudice, feelings, pride. In order to sleep took a large cup of Japanese sake.
74
The remedy didn't work. Could not sleep but a few hours last night.
75
After I got through with my Chinese students, called on Miss Haygood. Went there quite determined to break the engagement in case I should insisted on to submit to the Chinese 'Kueijuis'. Found Miss Haygood firm in her position. She told me that 秀珍's mother stands on my putting on the Chinese costume for the wedding as the only condition for the union, and that she (Miss Haygood) herself would not see her beloved 秀珍 to be looked up, if she married me in the foreign dress.
76
When I told her my national and personal prejudice against the Chinese costume and my fear that I might be subject to 矩矩, Miss Haygood said "I am sorry you ever wanted to marry a Chinese wife, not that you and she have not all the elements to make a happy match but that the complications are too troublesome. Mrs. Mo will not yield on this point and if you persist on your position, you had better break the engagement"
77
Then Miss Richardson reported to me the substance of a conversation she had with 秀珍 last Saturday showing how liberal minded and sensible the sweet girl is toward the dress question, how she sympathizes with me for my views; and how she has been reproached by her parents for taking my side etc. etc. When I heard all this I couldn't help almost crying for love for the precious girl. Then Miss Richardson informed me that 秀珍's letter to me was in Miss Haygood's hand. Even before reading it the very news broke on my troubled soul as sunshine on a cloudy day. I could no more bear to break the engagement than I could break my heart. So I promised Miss Haygood that I would put on the Chinese dress for the wedding on the condition that Mrs. Mo should not impose on me any other 矩矩 or the ceremonial dress. Miss Haygood seemed much relieved. At her request stayed after tiffin to settle the matter with Mrs. Mo.
78
Sin Tsung's letter did me more good than anything has done me for a long time. The exceeding simplicity argues her sincerity. From her letter and what the ladies tell me, she must love me as much as anybody can love another under circumstances. If she loves me that is the thing I want.
79
At 1:30 Mrs. Mo came. She told me that if I didn't put on the Chinese dress, her friends and relatives would not forgive her for "selling her daughter to a foreigner" as they say. On my asking her if she would let me do all other things as I pleased, provided I consented to put on the Chinese dress for the wedding. She said she would. Then I promised to put on not the horrible ceremonial dress but common costume. On her part she agreed to leave everything to Miss Haygood to carry the program out in the most simple and sensible way.
80
I have a bad headache.
81
Miss Richardson told me that the members of the Mission are divided in their opinions concerning my dress-reform. Most of the ladies favor my putting on the Chinese costume. Mr. Reid think that both Sin Tsung and I ought to put on the foreign.
82
I seem like a man who goes through brambles and thistles to pluck a rare rose.
85
From 1 to 4 p.m. my teacher helped to get or rather find a suit of the Chinese costume. Was surprised to know that the Chinese is far more costly than the foreign style. The whole outfit including a false cue will cost me over30.
86
Wrote to Louise; my life will be a burden in Shanghai without her.
87
Brother Loehr said to me that he felt sorry I was going to put on the Chinese dress. The fact of the business is that we can not settle the relative merit of the two costumes in my case without a trial of both.
90
The Chinese says this is the birthday of Heaven.
91
This morning my teacher told me that I could command a much higher salary in other employments than in the College. He is the 2nd man who has told me this since my return. I dismissed the subject by telling him that I was not in the Mission for money.
93
1. The edge of moral perception of an average Chinese has become so dull that he thinks he is practicing the teachings of Confucius blameless.
94
2. Macauley says that the Puritans forbade 'bear fight' not because it gave pain to the bear but because it gave pleasure to the spectator. Many honest and otherwise candid Southerners think and say that the Northerner fought away the slavery not because it gave pain to the slaves, but because it gave profit to the Southerner.
95
3. In the Japanese post office I heard a Japanese say "If we (Japanese) could not be proud to the Chinese to whom could we be?" This pride is little different from mine. My idea is that if I am not proud enough to be proud to my superiors, I am too proud to be proud to my inferiors.
96
4. So far as my present knowledge goes, you can not in one single English word express the comprehensive meaning of the Chinese term, 'Kueijui' 䂓矩. ‘Kueijui' combines in itself the hoariness of tradition, the fastidiousness of fashion, the solemnity of ceremony, the sacredness of religion, the majesty of law. Whatever absurdity or bigotry each and all of these have 'Kueijui' has it plus it own. Kueijui exercises stronger sway over men than morality; for they sooner lie or steal than break a rule of Kueijui. Its tyranny is worse than superstition: for Christians who despise idols do some most absurd and cruel things simply Kueijui so demands. It is Kueijui that compels a man to drink in a social party. It is Kueijui that forces parents to crush the feet of their daughter by bondage. It is Kueijui that keeps a dead body unburied for months even. A shopkeeper may cheat, an officer may extort, a scholar may lie, a lawyer may do all this with the one and same excuse that Kueijui sanctions such irregularities.
97
This afternoon Miss Haygood and Mrs. Mo came to see the house. Miss Haygood brought me a photo of my 'Darling.' Dr. Allen thinks there is a resemblance between her and me.
100
Received letters from Mrs. N.C. and Miss Fonzie. Also one from Spence. Fairly devoured every word in these letters. God bless them.
101
Wrote to the parties above mentioned. Mrs. Susie Stone, Mrs. Odell, Miss Emmie Stewart and Brother Wilson.
102
The Japanese fare has become so miserable that I have to eat twice for dinner. Have found a nice place near here where I can get a piece of beef-steak and a cup of coffee with toast for 15￠.
103
Went to the Hall of Jesus(耶蘇堂) inside of the city with Brother Loehr to attend a meeting―one of the series now being held at different places. The crooked streets with their horrible smells and sights (reminding me of the streets(?) in Corea) leading to, and terminating at, the Hall, clean, well ventilated and neatly kept, well typified the heathenism through which we passed and the pure religion preached in the temple of our God.
104
The administration of the College affairs for the next term will be in the hands of Prof. Bonnell. Mr. Loehr, who tendered his resignation against the entreaties of Dr. Allen to continue in the acting principalship, seems rather disappointed at the acceptance of his resignation after all. One thing is certain that missionaries are not angels.
107
Spent most of the day in transcribing an address on Corea from a rough draft made yesterday.
108
Took supper at Mr. McIntosh's at 7 p.m. At 8:30 with him and wife, went to the Y.M.C.A. room in the Union Church. The room were crowded and my paper on Corea as seen by a Corean was well received from beginning to end. When I got through several questions were asked. Mr. Scott, the British assessor, who spent 9 years in Corea spoke very kindly of the Coreans. He disagreed with me when I said that an internal revolution, peaceful or violent, is the only remedy. Prof. Bonnell spoke very sympathetically of helping the Coreans in their afflicted conditions. I had never thought that I would meet with such an enthusiastic (almost) audience on the subject. Dr. Edkins seems to be very much interested in the ethnology and philology of the Corean.
111
Being too much excited last night had a wretched wakefulness. Plus the old ailment.
112
Called on Miss Haygood at 1:30 p.m. according to her request. She told me that Mr. Mo, the fool of a father of 秀珍, had informed her (Miss Haygood) that he would not let the marriage take place except under the following conditions:
113
Ⅰ. That I should given him a written contract '要一筆據一張'
114
Ⅱ. That I should promise to take care of his age and to properly bury him (When dead) . '一要靠老送終'
115
Ⅲ. That I should promise to take care of his children in all difficulties. '一我人兒子有萬難要伊照應'
116
Miss Haygood told me that before the man came to the above conditions he demanded that I should promise not to return to Corea(!) and that in case I should, I ought to take him with me. After consultation with Miss Haygood we came to the conclusion to throw the whole responsiblity of breaking the engagement on him, since it is simply impossible to comply with his unreasonable demands.
117
After returning home distressed and lonely I wrote a letter to Miss Haygood. Among other things said I:
118
"My life which has been lonely enough hitherto will be a burden in Shanghai in case the engagement breaks. I can't bear even the idea of giving her up. Oh, if she loved me, she would not ask the silly question whehter it be right to sacrifice her affections and happiness to the unreasonable demand of an unreasonable father! But then, how can she love me! In my desperate struggle to find some one to love and be loved by I play the fool in imagining that one loves me! My dear Miss Haygood, please tell her plainly that my happiness depends on her. It may be the father is merely a convenient pretext. If so let the whole thing go!
119
"I wish I could see her and hear what she thinks of the matter. Filial obedience is good, but oh! deliver us from pushing the virtue to that extent when and where it is no more a virtue, etc. etc. etc."
120
At 6 went to 鮑咸享's home to take supper. Heartsick or rather lovesick, all the p.m. If I were a heathen, I might find sinful pleasure in the society of loose women. If I were an American or a European, I might find a purer consolation in the refined company of the Western girls. But being neither the one nor the other, I have no center for my affections in Shanghai. So if the affair falls through I don't know how I shall be able to get along.
121
But thank God, if it is providence that has led me thus far, He will not let me grope in darkness alone in a matter which concerns me for time and eternity.
123
23rd.(十八) Friday. A cloudy day.
124
Called on Miss Haygood and told her that it would be very unwise, to say the least, to show even a doubt that our Christian engagement was not as legal and sacred as a Chinese betrothal. She admitted the nicety of the point. Met Brother Loehr this morning. He told me that he has been worried lately by various things; that Miss Mary Allen is put out by the change of the acting principalship. I am sorry to have said to Brother Loehr that Miss Bonnell would not like teaching the Chinese boys. T.R. I shall say nothing of Miss Bonnell to Brother Loehr in whatever connection except where and when she needs any praise. This T.R. from this day to the 1st January 1895 included.
125
The following letter I worte to Miss Haygood with the approval of Dr. Allen and Prof. Bonnell.
126
My dear Miss Haygood: "You told me that Sieutsung wants to know whether it is right or wrong to stand by the engagement. Before she can ask that question, we must first decide whether the engagement was or was not legal and right.
127
"To say that the engagement was not legal and right, because it was done according to the Christian practice, would be equal to saying that you, the president of a Christian female school; Dr. Allen, the president of a Christian male college; Mrs. Mo, a Christian worker; Sieutsung, an exemplary Christian character; and I, who, whatever may be the sins of my former life, have ever since my conversion tried to serve my Redeemer,―to doubt, I say, the legality and sacredness of our engagement would be equal to saying that we have done something illegal and criminal. And all this with the consent of Mr. Mo, too!!! No grosser insult can I imagine on you, Dr. Allen and us all.
128
"Now, if the engagement was legal and right―which none can deny without insulting us all―then according to the rules of morality and usage in Christian and heathen lands, I belong to Sieutsung as surely as she belongs to me. If so she has the right and therefore is right in standing by the engagement not according to the Western custom which you don't want to force on us; but according to our Eastern rules which you are so anxious to respect. Sieutsung and I, and she and I alone have the right to keep or break the contract. Her farther or mother can not break it unless he or she brings forward and substantiate against me a charge that I may not be able to clear myself of in the sight of God and men.
129
"This being so, none of us can tell Sieutsung without condeming his or her own action that it is her duty and business to obey her father, however unreasonable may be his demand, rather than keep the engagement. There is a point at which filial obedience must have a limit. If the heathen don't recognize one, is it not time enough for Christians to set one?
130
"However, if she desires to break the engagement rather than disobeying(?) her father―if she does not love me and desires to be freed from the contract, she has my sorrowful―yes, sorrowful indeed!―but my fullest consent to do so any time of the day."
131
Wrote to Mr Hulbert, Corea, concerning the tampering of his men with my translation of the adverstisement which Dr. Allen had sent him some months ago. I thank God for the power of smiling. Sometimes in the gloomiest moments I can smile as sweetly as ever. Very good. But am I smiling and cheerful by myself as when I am in company? No! God forgive me! How often do I frown and fret when alone! That won't do. Am I not always careful to keep the very best things for myself? Why not then in the matter of countenance? Is it unpolite and unkind to be frowning before men? Why should I be impolite and unkind to my Redeemer? God being my help, I shall from this night, be as careful to be cheerful or sweet to my Christ, when I am alone with Him, as I am to a lady.
132
Ha Yong Do is going to Japan tomorrow to join the subscription school gotten by Mr. Pak. Had a farwell supper with him.
133
Spent a very pleasant evening in the Astor Hall where a service of song with limelight views of 'Christies' old Organ' was held. The ticket was the kind present from Prof. Bonnell.
136
Asked my teacher to hold a conference with Mr. Mo in the p.m. Miss Haygood telephoned me this morning that she had a satisfactory interview with 秀珍 without giving me any details thereof. Well this day will decide the matter either one way or the other.
137
Ha Yong Do left Shanghai per Yokohama Maru at 1 p.m. Many lucks on him!
138
The old teacher told me this afternoon that the natives are glad of the acting principalship of Prof. Bonnell. I do hope and pray that his work may be blessed!
139
Wrote to Drs. Glem and Atkins.
140
At 5 p.m., called on 鄒先生. He handed me a letter from Miss Haygood informing that Mr. Mo consented not to impose any more obstacles on me. My darling also wrote me expressing her love for me and willingness to be my wife. God bless the dear creature!
141
After a refreshing bath went to McTyier Home. The Saturday prayer meeting over, I had a talk with Miss Haygood. She informed me that when she gave the watch(that one given me by Her Majesty, the Queen of Corea, on the 16th May 1884) to 秀珍, the sweet thing was so overcome with my trust and love that "She had a good cry over it".
144
Spent the whole p.m. in buying furniture etc. etc. with the help of 鄒先生. Moved into the new home. May God make it a 'home' indeed!
147
The College was opened for the spring term. A good crowd of boys. God help me to discharge my obligations as a Christian teacher faithfully and manfully.
148
Received a letter from dear 秀珍.
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