2
2nd.(lst of 4th Moon). Sunday. Beautiful.
3
A lovely May day. Started at 9 a.m. for St. John's College. The well kept road runs with graceful curves and turns here and there, through fields and gardens verdant with spring vegetables. The willows on both sides of the road lend graceful aspect to the landscape.
4
Arrived at the College about 10 and went to Mr. Wong's room. Met Charlie Marshall(曹雲淸) there.
5
Attended the service of Confirmation in the College chapel, which lasted 2 hours. Took tiffin with Wong and Charlie, after which Wong took me round to see the building etc.
6
The college is certainly a handsome affair, two storeys high. The form of the building is square, with a large court yard in the centre. The recitation rooms and dormitories all in one house, so that the boys can be kept under effective supervision with no very great bother or the part of the teachers. The rooms all large and airy. The kitchen, the closet, bathrooms, all within convenient reach. The whole thing is said to have cost the Mission ＄20.000 in gold. A boy pays ＄800 per month for everything, tuition to shaving.
7
There are now 155 students in the College, of this number 50 are Christians.
8
Left Jessfield at 2 p.m. and got to the Hotel about 3. Went to the Trinity Church to partake of the Lord's supper for the first time in three years. The wine seems to have been replaced by a sweetish beverage made of syrup and water.
11
Almost a summer day. The uncertainties of the future, the failures of the past there years in my moral and temporal affairs, the present suspense I am now under, have of late made me very disheartened. If I could only trust in God, if I could possess the spirit of Christ, if I could give up the world and its temptations and pride, I should be happy.
12
The room which my Darling now occupies in Sister's house looks right into the A.C.C. Only twelve years ago I was one of the inmates of the building, as free as air. Am I any better now in my affairs than I was then?
13
Spent an hour or two of the p.m. with Mr. Tsiu (鄒先生) in a tea house. When I asked him what good the war junks on the river did, "To scare the people" was the clever answer. "A passenger or trading boat on the river dares not go near a war junk in a lonely place for protection, as the crews of most war junks are robbers."
14
The price of the Shanghai tautai ship is 200,000.
16
5th. Wednesday. Cloudy.
17
At 4 p.m. received a letter from Dr. Reid informing me that the Corean government intends to appoint me the Corean commissioner to the Telegraph Convention to meet in Shanghai soon. Thank God, the telegram detaining me meant nothing worse.
18
Wrote to Mr. Appenzeller and to Drs. Jaisohn, Reid and Underwood. The substance of the letter!
19
"In using Urimun, the absence of a uniform mode of "spelling," bothers me often beyond patience. The confusion worse confounded is almost exclusively due to the existence of the lower a (.) . Ex. . . . etc.
20
"I don't think there can be a uniform mode of spelling as long as one may write with equal propriety 하나, or 하, or 나 or ,－which is all one and the same thing. I suggest therefore that we use in all instances the upper a (ㅏ) alone except: (1) where the lower a (·) simplifies a combination as instead of 개. instead of 내. instead of 대.
21
(2) Where the termination comes in as; instead of 가, 귀 instead of 귀한 etc. In these two exceptions the lower a (·) looks less cumbersome."
24
Rained all the day from the earliest dawn to the latest hour.
25
The wickedness of my heart is surpassed only by its deceitfulness. I despise and hate my sins but as an infatuated man loves a beautiful woman whose infidelity he may despise and hate, so I still love my sins.
26
I long for a thorough and thorough re-generation, a new heart, a new creation all over. No use looking for the peace of God until my heart be the temple of the spirit.
27
Am I a believer in God? I profess I am. I think I am. I wish I were. Can I believe in the holy God and at the same time be ever ready to fall? Can I believe in the loving God and at the same time indulge in bitter thoughts. Whence is my fretful impatience but from my practical unbelief in a helping God? Whence are my devouring anxieties but from my unbelief in an all-wise Heavenly Father? Don't be deceived; God is not mocked.
30
Mailed letters to the Friends in Seoul. Sent to Reverend Appenzeller the letter Ⅲ of the Corean Abroad.
31
Finished "Dr. Gordon's Life". It is one of the loveliest biographies I have read. Could not help shedding tears over his death.
32
Where he says "Yes!". Where he says that one can no more save himself from sin by self effort than a drowning man can save himself by laying hold of his right arm with his left, I can say, "Yes!". Where he says that living faith in God alone can regenerate a fallen man, I can say "Yes!". Then am I all right? No because I haven't got the living faith. The trouble with me is that I hate sin not for its own sake but for its consequences.
35
Attended the morning service held in the Lyceum theatre. Dr. Guinesse of London preached to a meagre audience. His sermon was too theological to help me.
36
Took tiffin at Dr. Allen's. Miss Alice, who was dressed in summer white, disagreeably surprised me by saying "I am in mourning for your Queen－or King. Which was it that was killed. Papa?" She may have thought all this a clever "talkee", but I have never been unheathenized enough to enjoy heartless remarks on the unfortunate dead－much less on the unfortunate Queen.
37
I didn't enjoy the tiffin; the affected singsong talk of Miss Alice, the constant scolding which Mrs. Allen gave to the waiter, the worldliness and almost vulgar manner noticed in the three young ladies at the table spoiled my appetite. Miss Ethel actually sang bits of meaningless ditties at the table. Worldliness in a missionary is a bad business.
38
Spent the evening hours with my Darling. Little Laura is picking up the language fast enough. She is quick, jealous and at times obstinate. She is very much like dear "sister" (E-fong) .
41
Kept bed all day on account of the sprained sensations in the left knee which was so badly bruised last year. Enjoyed reading the Jan. numbers of the Literary Digest.
42
It always "hurts" my eyes to look at sore or inflamed eyes. Remember that moral sores hurt moral eyes. Looking at my sins will not give me peace.
43
In Berlin I saw the photograph of a beautiful little hand taken in all its shapeliness, softness and sweetness. By its side there was the picture of its bony structure taken by means of X-rays. The contrast between the two made me realize the well known truth that beauty is but skin deep. How amiable I can be and even how good I may sometimes be; but to the all seeing eyes of God, nay, even to the eyes of my conscience, my heart is wicked.
44
Decent, moral, "consistent" (so-called) life may give me the peace of conscience but the peace of God which passes all understanding－never.
45
I long to have a talk with Miss Haygood concerning my spiritual disquietude, but I dare not so do lest I might make some unwise promises.
47
12th. Wednesday. Cloudy-windy.
48
In Dr. Gordon's book, "The twofold Life", occurs this sentence! "In conversion we receive; in consecration we give." This is a key to my spiritual trouble. In what way? Even thus:－
49
I Iong for the peace of God but I can't get it, because I haven't consecrated myself to Him. Why haven't I, or why don't I? Simply because my valuation of the gift of God is too low. If what I have received of Christ is no more than a moral influence, a broadened mental vision plus spasmodic aspirations－if this is all, certainly the entire surrender of my whole being is rather a high price. Therefore until I realize the full value of the forgiveness of sins and of eternal life through Christ, I shall not make a full consecration, and hence I shall not enjoy an entire freedom from sin, and hence I shall not taste the peace of God. How truly says the Apostle; "If in this life only we have hope in Christ we are of all men miserable" I need not go beyond this text to find the real cause of my tasteless spiritual experience.
50
Received a letter dated the 1st May from Dr. Reid of Seoul, telling me that a Mr. Mollendorff(?) was to leave Chemulpo on or about the 3rd May for Shanghai to act with me in the telegraphic negotiations with Chinese authorities. The gentleman hasn't turned up yet－nor the official instructions.
52
15th. Saturday. Rainy.
53
At the request of Mrs. Zung(Sister's mother) went to her home this morning to help her entertaining Messrs. Yen(顔) and Woo, who came there as the "go-betweens" bringing the betrothal gift from Mr. Wang to Sister(E-fong) . The gift consisted of money and I don't know what else. The date of the coming marriage, written on red paper, came along with the gift. As the go-betweens and the betrothed parties belong to the American Episcopal Church, much of the heathenish elements of music(?) and feast usual to such ceremonies were happily dispensed with.
54
When I told Mr. Yen, who is a leading spirit in his church in particular and in the Chinese Christian Community in general, my whimsical desire of calling my boy Hong Chang, after the great Chinese statesman, he seemed to be shocked at the very idea of my committing a sin of the sort. "No, no," said he, "that is not polite". Though Li Hong Chang has not been able to do his full duty, yet he is a "Chai sang". Of course Mr. Yen referred to the confucian custom of holding sacred the names of superiors, so much so that one can't even mention the names of his parents or of his sovereigns. He also forgot that I am not Chinese and I could name my boy even after the name of the Emperor if I wanted to. Was disagreeably surprised at his notion, which made me nauseous, by a bit of Chinese pride in it. Even if it had been my settled purpose to name my boy after Li Hong Chang, I would have changed my mind after this unpleasant experience.
55
Led the prayer meeting at Mctyeire Home. Talked about my desire to possess the peace in Christ.
58
With a short intermission during the day, rain all the time. Worshipped in the Union Church.
59
Have just returned (8:30 p.m.) from Sister's home with a vexed spirit and a painful heart. The house is a semi-foreign Chinese building, and, like all Chinese houses, has no means of heating or keeping dry the rooms. In this sickening climate which does nothing but raining, the rooms are disagreeably damp. The Chinese bed which my Darling sleeps on, with its palm-string mattress, is a perfect hot bed for fleas. These vermins keep the children fretful all through the night, making the repose of the mother a matter of impossibility. Thus the poor, dear Darling looks pale and haggard. All this for "awaiting the official instruction," which gives no sign of coming. Whom am I to thank for this confounded affair? Likely Yi Yun Yong, the Minister of Public Works, who never lets go a chance to be mean to my family!
60
Some weeks ago "Sis" urged me, with entreaties and taunts, to subscribe between ten and a hundred dollars to a fund destined for some use in the St. John's College. If I subscribed at all, I had to give at least ＄25.00, a sum which I couldn't well afford, in my present fix, to contribute, and that to an institution with which I am neither directly nor indrectly connected. So I didn't subscribe anything at all. Ever since, she has shown me, as often as occasion arises, some marks of her displeasure. She is remarkably intelligent but sensitive, selfish and spoiled. Her face, instead of shining with the light of a lovely and loving soul, reflects the luster of the Mexican dollar, which she loves only too well. My admiration for her－where is it?
62
19th. Wednesday. Cloudy-chilly.
63
Sometimes waves of bitterness surge, foam and beat against my soul. Words of rage tremble on my lips, while thoughts of blasphemy bubble from the heart, the one against men and the other against God. How foolish and selfish this is! The worst enemy of my soul is myself and until it be reborn in Christ these storms may never cease.
64
Many Psalms, instead of helping, hinder my devotion. The sum and substance of their leading thoughts seem to be: God rewards the righteous and punishes the wicked; but I and my friends are righteous but my opponents are wicked; therefore God is called upon to help us, but to destroy our enemies. The vindictive spirit which reigns in a large majority of psalms is not only incompatible with the precept of our savior but comes up, or rather, goes down, quite to the level of the narrow and conceited phases of Confucianism which maintain that he who loves his neighbors is a barbarian who has no father, savage, devoid of filial piety. True, indeed, it is that one should not judge the moral of the Psalmist by the standard of Christ. But it is none the less true that one should not insist that all the Psalms have been written by the pencil of the Holy Spirit.
65
The first article of the twenty five Articles of Faith of Methodism distinctly declares that God is "without body or parts." When in the third we are told that Christ "the very and eternal God" did rise from the dead and took again his body－wherewith he ascended into heaven". Theologians alone are capable of saying such things.
66
I believe in the incarnation of God and I believe in the Holy Spirit and I believe in God. What I yearn for is not that I might believe less but that I might believe more. Yet I instinctively dislike the hard dogmatic statement of the doctrines in regard to the Trinity, the Inspiration, the Atonement etc.
67
Spent the afternoon with my dear ones.
68
At 8 a.m. called on Dr. Allen and got two letters, one from my cousin in Tokio and another from Dr. Reid. Dr. Allen told me that Bishop Hendrix had consented to withdraw his letter on Mr. Loehr if the Doctor should withdraw some of the offensive terms he had used against the Bishop. "You see", said Dr. Allen, "the Bishop bases his doing right on the right doing of somebody else. In effect, he says to me I will do right if you will, but if you don't, I shall continue in wrong! Now, this is business; it is not morality. Of course I am only too glad to accept any terms to finish up this miserable affair; but the fact remains that the Bishop has sold himself into my hand."
71
Received a telegram from Mr. Yi Yun Yong telling me to ascertain whether or not "the Chinese telegraph Superintendent is ready to sing the convention as drafted by him 17th February last". Went to the headquarters of Sheng tautai, the Director General of the Chinese Telegraph Administration. But he being away, his deputies Mr. Joo (朱子文) and Captain Bohr, informed me that the Chinese administration would sign the convention as soon as Corea pays, or agrees to pay, according to a former understanding, 70,000 tales for the Seoul-Wijoo line, which had been built by the Chinese government. Telegraphed to Mr. Yi accordingly.
72
Received a letter from my 1st cousin in Tokio informing me that Prince Ui Hua has been induced to go to America, that Dr. Underwood and Pak Yong Kiu (朴容奎) come to Japan with Corean instructions for the purpose, and that the Prince expected to leave Japan sometime in the latter part of this month. My cousin thinks that the Corean government has detained me here with the intention of sending me to America with the Prince, and advises me strongly to get out of the business. "The Prince," says my cousin, "is light headed and unprincipled. His inordinate passion for women is beyond control. He fell out with me because I once tried to check him in his mad passion for sensual pleasures. In case you should accompany him, do not stay long with him."
73
Wrote letters to Dr. Reid, Mr. Yi Yun Yong and to my 2nd cousin. Has it actually taken one month for Yi Yun Yog to send that simple telegram? Nothing accounts for this delay but his culpable laziness or his villainous meanness. Moreover the message was sent c/o the American Consul General here, so that it was by the merest accident that I got the telegram two days after its arrival.
76
Called on Mr. Min Yong Ik in the morning. On the subject of the King of Corea's assuming the title of emperor (as has been reported in the Japanese papers,) I delivered myself strongly against it. The idea! Why, His Majesty dares not return to his old palace, depending, for his personal safety, on the protection of a foreign legation? Now, wouldn't it be ridiculous, nay, shameful, nay, disgraceful, for him to promote himself an Emperor! What will be gain thereby? Nothing but an empty title and a solid contempt. I wonder which of the many asses in the government has put this piteous notion into the Royal head.
77
Enjoyed a Corean meal. Mr. Min Y.I. tells me that Li Hong Chang refused repeatedly the Mixed Residence in Seoul which Mr. (魚允中) asked as a matter of favor!
79
31st.(1st of 5th Moon). Monday. Fair. Shanghai
81
1. Yesterday morning, Reverend Loehr said to a chapelful of Chinese students and others that as Japanese beat China and got Formosa, so Christ conquered Satan and gained paradise. A poor illustration but a rich joke! Could anything more unwise be said to a Chinese audience?
82
2. A missionary, whose pretty parlor is closed against "natives" has very little reason to complain when they don't open their hearts to his teachings.
83
3. What a fool I was in trying to convince the Waebers of the villainy of Kim Hong Niuk! I should have remembered that they would and will sacrifice every interest of Corea to the good of Russia. Then what is the use of telling them that Kim Hong Niuk is a scoundrel, disastrous to the welfare of Corea, when the very man (or beast) they want is a scoundrel disastrous to the welfare of Corea but devoted to Russian interests? As well might Peter have warned the enemies of Christ that Judas was a traitor destined to betray his Lord.
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