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◈ 윤치호일기 (1893년) ◈

◇ 5월 ◇

해설목차  1권  2권  3권  4권  5권 6권  7권  8권  9권  10권  11권  12권  윤치호

1. 5월 1일

1
1st. Monday.
 
2
Had a very poor rest. Up at 5 a.m. Warm day.
3
After chapel, went to the ball ground to see the match game between Sophomores and Freshman. The latter did well at first but from the 7th inning the Sophomores caught up and got the gain.
4
At the supper table, I was surprized to be informed that Professor McIntosh is against the measure for abolishing Sunday street car. So is Mrs. Rob. Hardman. Both are church members. The evil necessity that runs Sunday cars of all sorts in large centers does not free a Christian from his obligation of giving a car-driver and poor mules a day in seven to rest.
5
Rains hard.
6
The organ which Mrs. Berry bought sometime ago is a botheration that very often drives me away from my room. I am wicked, no doubt, in thinking hard of anything that gives pleasure to a women whose meager education denies her the delights of books; but certainly it is a grievous task on my part to bear with the unskilled fingerings of a squeaking instrument especially when I have something to do.
 

2. 5월 2일

1
2nd. Thursday. Cloudy and pleasant most of the day. Cool and cloudy night.
 
2
Dr. Candler preached a good sermon on the impossibility of serving two masters. For the first time during this protracted meeting, I was awake all through the service tonight.
3
I am almost imperceptibly enamored with Tommie. Her natural sweetness unaffected by artificial culture; her rural freshness envitiated by fashionable life; her childish simplicity and innocency―all this fans my love almost into a passion. Tonight she walked to the church between Zed and myself. When my hand timidly touched hers she gave such a soft pressure that I was thrilled with a most exquisite delight. She let her small hand stay in mine all the way to and from the church. But, alas! a hopeless passion. There is between her and me an impassable gulf from our racial differences. If I were to live in this country, I think I could marry her. But I cannot afford, for her sake and mine, to take her to a place like Corea.
4
Covingtonians are proverbially prejudiced against Oxford. When Professor Berry, a day or two ago, asked a Cov. citizen to come to Oxford, "I'd rather go to hell than to Oxford", answered the man. Cov. loves whiskey too well to like Oxford.
5
Dr. Candler is fond of frogs. Bell missed the service tonight on account of dressing a frog for his breakfast. All this is merely a matter of taste.
 

3. 5월 3일

1
3rd. Wednesday. Rained exceeding hard from early morning to 9 a.m. Hard wind most of the day.
 
2
Dr. Candler being sick, Professor Dickey led the meeting tonight. A good sermon. L. Steele came forth indicating his desire to join the church.
3
I find myself more and more enslaved to Tommie. That won't do. For:
4
1. It is a settled fact that I could never marry her if she would.
5
2. From the narrowness of my social life and the sensitiveness of my nature, my passion is liable to be intense and exclusive. I can not brook rivalry in love; yet I have no right and no means to monopolize her affections.
6
3. Besides, it is a question, whether she cares anything for me at all. If any of the boys should be minded to court her, she may altogether slight me. That this may be perfectly natural does not save me from the torture of humiliation and jealousy.
 
7
Weighing these considerations it is a sheerest folly to enthral myself to a passion that can never be satisfied or to subject myself to anybody who may by a word or an act plunge me into the hell of wounded pride and rejected love; or to expose myself to ridicule and scandal without any benefit to counterbalance them. Therefore be it resolved:
8
1. That I shall not seek her company except in public.
9
2. That I shall show her no signs of familiarity either in word or in action.
10
3. That in case of her approaching me with any kindness, I shall treat her with due dignity and politeness and yet a distance.
 
11
As I write these lines I hear her merry laughter ring in the other room. I feel as if I were tearing off a piece of my heart!!! Good heavens! Can it be a fact that I am endowed with a nature susceptible of the intensest love and be denied at the same time, by my nationality and circumstances, the happiness of exercising it for a dear creature. But I shall not be a slave to any blind passion that my reason does not justify. This F.R. to June 14 included. Oh my! this is hard!!
12
Received a letter from dear sister. Oh how I wish I could unbosom the sorrows of my wounded heart to her affectionate soul!
13
The protracted service was closed tonight.
 

4. 5월 5일

1
5th. Friday
 
2
A beautiful day for the Annual S.S. Convention of the county. The crowd was large but orderly.
3
Stayed home until 12:30. Took dinner on the campus. The contest in singing by different schools was the most pleasant feature of the program.
4
At 8 p.m. Rev. Ch. Lane, whom I had once heard in Wesley Hall, lectured on conversation. It was a humorous and sensible lecture fully worthy of noted speaker. After returning from the lecture, went at writing and directing letters to North C. preachers.
 

5. 5월 6일

1
6th. Saturday. A cloudy day.
 
2
Rained hard after dinner. Did not go to bed until 2:30 this a.m. Mailed more than 50 letters today. Mrs. Henderson gets 2¢ for each letter she stamps.
3
Just before the dinner, I heard Bell screaming out in a choked voice "Quit! I won't take it back! Oh, help!" I thought he and Zed were joking to fool somebody. But Professor Berry went to their room and found Bell knocked down flat on the floor and Zed giving it to him. They were separated. I saw Zed's face pale with rage and Bell's green with anger. "Take back what you said", demanded Zed. "I won't do it", answered Bell. "If you touch me I will slap you." On which Zed seized Bell's arm like child's and gave several knocks on his head. When the combatants were parted we learned the cause of all this disgraceful fuss. It runs thus:
4
Uncle Zick, the negro wood-cutter, was heard to make some saucy remarks to the colored cook, Lulu. Zed mistaking in the remarks to be directed to Mrs. Berry, told the old man that if he did not behave properly to a white lady he (Zed) would beat him, an old nigger though he be. Then Bell, in his offensive and intrusive manner, told Zed that he was not a Christian to treat a poor nigger that way. Zed who was already mad to high degree said that anybody who would take side with a nigger insulting a lady was no better than the old nigger. Bell was imprudent and fool hardy enough to say "You are no better than an old nigger too." This sounds exactly like Bell.
5
Zed, who had patiently swallowed many an impudent remark from Bell in the past, could contain no longer. He jumped on Bell and then followed the scene mentioned above. I do not blame Zed, for any man of ordinary temper would have done so, boiling as he was under the accumulated heat of past grudges. Hope Bell will be benefited by the experience. I am clear in the matter for time and again I have told Bell not to hurt the feelings of Zed or anybody else by ill natured remarks.
6
This evening Mrs. Berry handed me a bunch of hair Tommie had left for me before she left here yesterday. How sweet! Mrs. Berry said "I do not know how I shall do when you go away. You have been so long with us that I feel like you were one of my own brothers." With a due allowance for 3 woman's compliments. I appreciate this kind expression of a woman's friendship.
7
Wrote to professor E.J. Poe of N.C. and answered dear sister
 

6. 5월 7일

1
7th. Sunday. A cloudy and pleasant day.
 
2
Dr. Candler preached on "Our citizenship of the Kingdom of Heaven". He presented the King, not as a monarch unapproachable in majesty and glory, but as the Patriarch who is sensitive to the sufferings of his people. He denounced the low notion of many that happiness is the end of life; and condemned the inconsistency of Christians who give themselves up to worldly and effeminate indulgences not compatible with the sufferings of the Head. "Don't wonder that you can't control your temper when you have never learned to deny yourself. When your child is reported of a bad behavior you think it an impossibility in such a paragon of virtues and say all manner of ugly things about those who may have a lower estimation of your child. Your boy may break all the commandments and you let him go unnoticed. He may soil his soul with evil and you take no heed to it. But woe unto him if he breaks your favorite china or spills ink on your Easter dress. Then you whip him like five hundred. Thus your china is more precious than the commandment of the Almighty and your dress more valuable than the soul of your boy, all because you can't afford to have anything tocross your will and pleasure."
3
"My young bretheren," said he to the graduating class, "Don't go out to seek a life of indulgence and pleasure. Should you ask me what you would have as the reward for a life of self denial and rectitude, like Garibaldi who said to his company of soldiers 'I promise you hunger, rags, persecution, imprisonment, death and the liberty of Italy'―like him. I say unto you my bretheren, that you shall have hardships, sufferings, persecution but victory of manhood and triumph over death."
4
The above is only a sort of paraphrase of the Dr.'s thoughts. He invited the Senior class to take the sacrament at the second table all by themselves. The occasion naturally enough moved the doctor as well as others. His prayers, exhortation and benediction had a dignified tenderness in it, always so sweet in him.
5
Took a nap from 3 to 5:30. Called on Mrs. N.C. She treated me with a whole plate of strawberries from her garden. She gave me a combination rose nearly 6 in. across.
6
Dr. C. preached the evening sermon. L.J. Steele was baptized with two others and received into the church.
7
Dr. C. was down on the use of religious cants―
8
The World's Fair was to be opened today―Sunday. An example of the detestably cheekiness of love of gain. The managers of the Fair got paid5,000,000 from the government on the condition of preserving the sabbath and then open it on a Sunday! They must have a very poor opinion of the religious sentiment of his nation to fool it in this shameful way.
 

7. 5월 11일

1
11th. Thursday. A beautiful day, The hard rain, cold, gloomiest of the early part of the week render this bright day all the more welcome.
 
2
Received a letter from dear Mrs. Abbie Hoss. It was a delightful surprise.
 

8. 5월 12일

1
12th. Friday. A pretty day in the p.m.
 
2
Leslie Steele led the prayer meeting this evening. His conversion gave much joy and gratitude and encouragement to many of the boys. The meeting was very sweet. God bless him!
3
The lovableness of a woman is proportional to the quickness of her perception of the little, but none the less real, needs of men and the readiness and sweetness with which she supplies these needs. Culture and good breeding help to develop womanliness―Mrs. Berry is a sensible woman. But her common birth and rustic education are manifest in the total absence of that delicate and timely kindness so characteristic of a Mrs. Candler or a Mrs. Howes.
 

9. 5월 13일

1
13th. Saturday. A delightful day.
 
2
After a fruitless attempt to borrow or hire a horse to ride out to Salem, where the Quarterly conference was to be held, I determined to "foot" it with Nath, Edmunson and two other Andrew Hall boys. When we got to Mr. Holder's place in Shilo, four miles from Oxford, we met up with Professor Bradford in a two seated cart. Brother Edmunson introduced me to him and asked him if he could give me a seat, I being a little fellow. On which Professor B. surveyed me from top to tip (which did not take him very long to do) and said good naturedly, "Yes, if I can find him in my cart." Tired as I was. I was glad to get a conveyance: it mattered not whether he could find me or not in the cart just so I found myself in it.
3
Found Brother B. a very intelligent man and a stirling Christian. He said that he has been married 13 years; that he has not neglected family worship and daily Bible study; that every morning his little girl of 3 years, asks, when she gets up, if her papa held the morning prayer meeting; that she cries when, in a stranger's home, blesisng be omitted at the table.
4
Reached Salem camp-ground about 10:30 a.m. A morning service was conducted by Dr. Anderson, the P.E. He preached a powerful sermon on the text "He was called the Friend of God". He showed that the Almighty needs a friend―one who understands His purpose and stands by him. In conclusion the Dr. said "I like to be happy. When I see a sister or a brother shout and clap hands in rapture, I feel they are susceptible of diviner music than my soul knoweth. But my Lord, grant that I may stand squarely by God and right if my life be bathed in tears and my death in blood. As for happiness and shouting, there is eternity for them; time enough! time enough!
5
Dr. Anderson is a real, earnest man whom it is not safe to fool with. His views are strong and conservative.
6
A splendid dinner under the camp-meeting stand.
7
The Quarterly conference began its business at 2 p.m. Homer Bush and W. P King, both of '93 were duly examined and licenced to preach.
8
Salem has a pretty camp ground and good springs.
9
Left Salem about 4:30 with Uncle Branham. He is an old fashioned and therefore a genuine methodist preacher. As all old men he is talkative. On our way home he commented on every patch of cotton, corn, wheat or oats.
 

10. 5월 14일

1
14th. Sunday. A pretty day.
 
2
Whop Harris preached this morning. His sermon was short and sweet.
3
Took dinner with Lom Ellis at Uncle Branhams.
4
Spent most of the p.m. except the S.S. hour, on Dr. Candler's beautiful yard. Had an emphatic dislike to come back to my boarding house; Bell's presence is no attraction in spite of my efforts to enjoy his association.
5
Took supper with Mrs. Candler, Professor R. Eaks preached a good sermon on endurance. His long and needless talk after his "in conclusion" taxed my endurance. It is a direct violation of promise for a preacher to talk long after he has said "in conclusion". This may be excusable in a fine speaker; but a fine speaker does not do it.
6
Wrote to Fonzie fair and dear.
 

11. 5월 17일

1
17th. Wednesday.
 
2
Up at 3 a.m. to make good the time lost by going to bed from 8:30 last night.
3
Have just finished a letter to Dr. Allen.
4
My Dear Doctor:
5
Your proposition that it might be best all round for me to stay another year chimese in with my desires and inclinations so admirably that I am almost persuaded to take your advice. But here are reasons for and against my study:
 
6
For: 1. The possible good that I may do among the students in behalf of the mission cause.
7
2. The possible enlargement of my stock of general knowledge.
8
3. The possibility that in case of my being able to return to Corea in the course of a year or two, I may be better able to raise a fund here for starting work in that country.
9
4. I love to stay another year.
 
10
On the other hand my return will:
11
1. Help me to become early initiated into and acquainted with, the plans and methods of mission work in the East.
12
2. Enable me to lighten in some way the burdens of the overworked missionaries.
13
3. Give me the time and chance to improve and enlargemy knowledge in Chinese and in translation work.
14
4. Relieve the church "at home" from the impression that native Christians educated in this country work only for selfish ends.
 
15
The only objection which I can set against this call of duty is that I don't feel it such a pleasure to go to China. As you know, for her I have no such affections as I have for Corea, endeared to me by natural ties, or for America, the home of my religion, English education and of sympathizing friends. But of course, I do not mean that these personal feelings should govern me instead of sense of duty.
16
With these considerations formed by the best light I have now, I can not conscientiously stay. So go I must.
17
Cold enough for fire, especially in the a.m.
18
Dr. Candler led the Prayer meeting: I was too sleepy to enjoy it. Brother Jarrelthe pastor of Trinity Church, Savannah gave a very nice talk. Was very glad to see this hearty, old soldier of the Cross, whose hospitality I had enjoyed last summer.
 

12. 5월 19일

1
19th. Friday. A beautiful day.
 
2
Received an answer from Dr. Allen. He advises me to stay here another year with a great deal of emphasis. What shall I do? I feel that the wisest of my friends can't help me solve this question, there being plausible reasons on both sides. Which is more in accordance with Providence? The college once left, there will never again be an opportunity for me to return to its privileges. God help me to do what is right!
3
The intersociety Spring term Debate came off tonight. The question was received that social custom should allow women to propose as well as men. The whole thing was a fun and on the whole a poor fun. Fews affirmed and Phi Gammas negatived. C., the last speaker on the Phi Gamma side made the most vulgar and nonsensical speech ever heard in the college. "If women," said he, "leave their sphere of modesty and purity this proper circle of their conduct, what kind of a circle will it be?" "A round one!" replied a voice from the back of the house―Hardly anyone cheered him when he sat down.
4
The debate (?) closed, the audience was detained about half an hour longer by the exercise of dismissing the Senior Fews.
 

13. 5월 20일

1
20th. Saturday. A beautiful day―warmest of the many days gone by.
 
2
Dr. Candler's article on W.C.T.U. published sometime ago in Wesleyan Adv. attacking the women-suffrage plank of the Union fills the Advocate with answers every week. Ellis(Thom) says he will quit the Georgia conferences if they should endorse the Suffrage movement of W.C.T.U. One of the prevailant arguments against female vote is that white ladies will have to jostle among negroes at the poll. Very puerile; but this illustrates the race prejudice of the South.
 
3
To my mind women suffrage is an evil, because:
4
1. There are already more votes than needed. What the people need is a pure public sentiment and not a larger suffrage.
5
2. Most women will vote as their husbands do.
6
3. The number of bad women is greater than that of good ones in any race while most black women would vote for liquor.
7
4. Temperance organizations are an unmixed blessing as long as they confine their efforts to the education of masses, the elevation of public opinion and the relief of the victims of liquors. But their usefulness will largely crippled by fooling and being fooled, with politics.
 
8
America suffers from too much freedom and Corea, from too little of it. Deeds of virtue, small ones especially, ought to be practiced simply, merely, purely because they hurt our carnal minds. All virtuous acts are heroic in that they imply the crucifixion of our evil-tending nature.
9
I ought to be very careful about my acts and words. But they are once said or done, they should be left to take care of themselves. It is weakness to bother myself, about a word uttered or an act performed.
 

14. 5월 22일

1
22nd. Monday. A hot day.
 
2
The headache and fever I had yesterday and the perspiration of last night did me up. Dragged through the recitations.
3
A sweet letter from dear sister acted as a tonic on my wearied body and mind.
4
This morning I wrote Dr. Allen saying "After a very careful consideration struggling all alone (for the wisest friend can't help here) between desire on one side and reason on the other, I have decided to go. I may be mistaken in going, but I have no means to assure myself that there can be no mistake in staying. I would therefore rather err on the side of what I see to be my duty than on the side of personal pleasure. In case anything should happen between this and Sept. that unmistakably demands, through Providence, my stay for another year either in the college or in travels, my present plan shall be modified or changed."
5
A charming moon-light.
 

15. 5월 23일

1
23rd. Tuesday. Hot, cloudy, cool under shades.
 
2
This evening, when I informed Bell of my decision of going back this year, I never heard such a sigh of relief before.
3
Suppressed, but audible, speaking a volume of his thought. It amused me all the more because I had expected that the news would please him.
 

16. 5월 24일

1
24th. Wednesday. A glorious morning―sunny, dewy. breezy.
 
2
In my dream last night my dear mother came to see me. She was dressed in white and smiled not. Oh how I wish I could embrace her, support and comfort her!
3
A Corean girl with no other advantage of education than mere knowledge of the alphabet can communicate her thoughts to friends far away, while a Chinese woman needs be educated before she could do this. I doubt very seriously that Bell's mother can write him an autographic letter.
 

17. 5월 25일

1
25th. Thursday. A pretty and warm day.
 
2
A lawn-party was given, by the citizens of Oxford, to the class '93. The frontyard of Mr. F. Means' was illuminated with a dozen Japanese lanterns besides several lamps. A long table loaded with good things occupied the middle of the spacious yard with small tables scattered here and there. Most of the ladies of the village were out and Mrs. Nettie Candler was the queenliest of all (at least to my mind) .
3
When I got through the 4th saucer of ice-cream, Mrs. Candler positively refused to give me any more. Miss Mamie Cowley handed me another saucer in secret. That was the sweetest!
4
1. This pleasant treat is said to be the revival of an old custom.
5
2. Mrs. Berry seemed to be out of place among the ladies of the village. None of them paid her any attention. You say there is no social distinctions in America?
6
3. The most proud and happy association I have for ice-cream is that, in the summer of 1884, Her Majesty gave me with her own hand a saucer of ice-cream the part of which she had tasted.
 

18. 5월 27일

1
27th. Saturday.
 
2
Busied myself most of the day in packing my books.
3
After supper called on Mrs. Allen to return the jar in which she had, a month or so ago, given me preserved figs. Stayed there and amused her by taking a hearty supper after having told her I had had one already.
4
The first cape-jessamine in Mrs. N.C.'s garden. When I begged her to give me the flower, why because I have kissed it so much? She guessed right.
5
Called on Miss Lynn to return a fruit jar which I had borrowed of her last fall to put flowers in. Spent a pleasant hour in the company of Misses Lynn and Fannie and a few boys. Came home about 10:30.
6
Two spoiled children, a squeaking organ and a Bell hung on Mrs. Berry's skirt make my boarding place anything but attractive.
7
Mrs. N.C. is pretty as pink.
 

19. 5월 29일

1
29th. Monday. Cool all the day.
 
2
Tommie came on a visit. After supper as she and I sat talking with our hands in one another's, the sensation was of an exquisite pleasure. The sky was spotless, the moon unclouded; the porch, cool and quiet; the whole town hushed in silence. I broke my resolution sometime ago made to keep myself distant from her. Such resolutions are monkish and unnatural and ought to be broken. To talk lovingly with a fair girl with my hand embosomed in her willing and soft hands―this is an experience I haven't had for above 8 years. The experience was in a sense novel and intoxicating. She asked for a bunch of my hair. (which I didn't give)
 

20. 5월 30일

1
30th. Tuesday. A beautiful day and lovely night.
 
2
After supper came up to Andrew Hall to sit up with Boland who had been suffering from dysentery for the past 3 or 4 days
 
3
As I sat by the sick bed three questions rose in my mind in succession:―
4
1. Suppose 1 were sick and no body to wait on me? The very idea is painful; I must minister comforts to others who suffer.
5
2. Would I be willing to wait on Bell in case of his sickness? Yes: I am ready to serve anybody who may stand in need of my ministration, if he were my enemy.
6
3. Suppose the sick person I might be called on to nurse were a girl whom I adored? Ah! with what affection; yea, with what devotion; yea, with what tenderness I would discharge my duties.
7
The examinations are thick and fast. But Nath is devoting most of his time night and day to the sick. This is no easy thing to do. The perfect unselfishness and downright earnestness of Nath with his indomitable will and common sense reminds me of the characteristics of Savonarola. Nath is a man who commands the service of others by being always servicible to all. He has qualities to lead.
 

21. 5월 31일

1
31st. Wednesday. A cool and pretty day.
 
2
Spent the whole day in waiting on Boland.
3
Read with the keenest interest the life sketches of Jay Gould and of Mr. Booth. Both were frail, always subject to some kind of ache or ailment. But their regal will mastered their physical infirmities and their energy and industry gave their respective works the brilliant success at which the world stand amazed.
4
Yet what a contrast between the characters of the two! The American devoted his time and genius to money making while the Englishwoman to soul saving. One died amidst the curses of enemies and the doudtful tributes of friends, while she was buried in the grateful hearts of thousands to be resurrected in the holy lives of generations to come. All this difference is due to the fact that he worshipped self but she served God.
5
Mr. Parks, an old and indigent citizen of Oxford, has been down with dysentery. Following the example of Nath many a student, notwithstanding their work, has contributed their service to the old man. Not a citizen of the town has even paid a visit to the sick old man. When Nath and Tom Ellis got after the citizens for this indifference, Mr. Branham(Jimo) waxed hot and said that it was absurd to call on the citizens for such a drudgery when there are over two hundred young fellows in the town.(!)
6
J. Branham has never impressed me as a character of high mettle. Dimes and Dollars shine through his eyes, his nose, his skin and his every act and word. Perhaps I didn't know him well enough to appreciate his better qualities.
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