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◈ 윤치호일기 (1905년) ◈

◇ 5월 ◇

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1. 5월 10일

1
10th.(6th of 4th Moon). Foreign Office.
 
2
My darling Sweetheart and Angel:
3
Exactly this day three months ago you left this world. My love, I can not realize that you are gone forever. No; this is only a dream. You are not gone! You are with me, my precious Angel.
4
Years ago when we were in Wonsan living in the Commissionaire's house, the story of my school day hardships in America used to bring tears in your eyes, though smiles to your lips―those sweet lovely lips that I shall never again kiss in flesh-I wonder if-no! I need not wonder at all, for I know that you now sympathize with me for the unbidden tears that fill my eyes in midnight hours or as often as I come across something associated with your memories.
5
As you have been told in my last letter, I was married, according to Korean rites, to the bride chosen by my mother, on the 23rd April or 乙巳三 月十九日. We had snow and rain on the preceding day, but the wedding day was really lovely. Dr. Gale and Dr. Allenthe U.S. Minister, were the only foreigners to whom I confided the event. I had no heart to invite any Foreign friend to the wedding.
6
Am I satisfied? I never expected to be. Ever since the tragedy of the 10th February, I feel I have no right to expect any happiness from marriage. I remember with bitter sweetness the words you spoke to me some time before your departure, viz. "I have endured much for your sake darling, you must endure some for mine" 我蔿之儂咾忍耐多化, 儂也應該爲之我忍耐一顔. Yes, my wronged love, I, who have sent you to an untimely grave laden with disappointments and praise, must not complain of any frustration of cherished hopes. Any happiness or contentment that may come to me from the marriage I shall accept as a matter of grace from God and you. One sweet consolation is that any disappointment drives me closer to your loving arms. Yes, my Angel, but for the assurance that you love me and that you will take me to your pure bosom with affectionate kisses―but for this blessed hope, I would be driven to distraction.
7
Our children are all well, though Laura still continues to be delicate―so much so that I dare not make her study or do anything. Our pet Helen is full of fun and tricks. She recognizes your ring on my finger as 어머니 가락지. When I give it to her sometimes she would put it on one of her tiny fingers and tries to pull it off by wetting the finger with her saliva! She is very much attached to Amah.
8
Mr. Hagiwara, the Acting Japanese Minister, has been trying to get the concession for the free coastwise and inland water navigation. The Korean Cabinet, headed by Min Yong Whan, flatly refused to grant it. Yi Ha Yong, who plays double in the game, got a leave and left for his brother's tomb yesterday putting me in charge of the Office. Thus he seems to be working on both sides of the fence: he tells the Japanese that he is fighting for their claim; and, on the other hand, he tries to get out of the unpopularity with Koreans by shifting the burden of signing the agreement on someone else.
9
So far as my own private opinion goes, I see no reason why Korea may not grant the concession. Japanese are now actually engaged in coastwise trade and under the name of the Koreans. Japanese can go and live everywhere along the railroad―in fact, anywhere, without let or hindrance. The grant only legalizes what is now being illegally done. The grant will bring under some control of law what is now entirely beyond law. The grant will bring some money to the customs from what does not pay a cent of fee now. The choice is not between no evil and an evil but between a less and a greater evil.
10
The Korean government, by their restive and ungracious attitude, without any ability or courage to fight to the finish, are losing both the goodwill of Japan and the welfare of Korea. While Korean officials are sitting and sighing in imbecility and intrigues, Japanese of all classes are spreading over Korea, grabbing everything that comes in their way―land, fields, houses etc. The Emperor is busy in building! He is going to build another detached palace for the young prince, Yong Chin Wang, to marry in. Is this Emperor going to live forever? Shame!
11
Mr. Stevens, the Foreign Office advisor, made Yi Ha Yung to send a letter to Dr. Allen asking for introducing certain amendments in the waterworks contract which Colbran and Bostwick got in 1893 and subsequently signed by Yi Ha Yung. Yi Ha Yung has a pair of thick cheeks, he must have felt rather awkward to send that dispatch. As Stevens is determined to make Colbran and Bostwick to disgorge some of the extra ordinary privileges which they got through bribery and intrigue in their contracts for water works, electric plants, and for a mine. I wonder what will become of Yi Ha Yung's new foreign house which Bostwick has been building for him. Stevens may not succeed, but he says he will carry the matter to the State Department of Washington if Cobran and Bostwick don't give in here! That may compell Yi Ha Yung to chew his own cud somewhat.
12
Well, my Beloved, it is sweeter to turn my thoughts from these wretched subjects to you, my Angel. I gave Dr. Allen two of the silk handkerchiefs which you had made with your own hands for me when we were in Wonsan. I said in the note accompanying the gift "I can think of nothing that can better convey to you and Mrs. Allen our sense of thankfulness. Please don't refuse this token of our love. I have three more which I shall keep sacred as long as life lasts. I know Mrs. Yun, her spirit, approves of it."
 
13
With love, my Angel
14
Yours Affectionately
15
T.H.Y.
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◈ 윤치호일기 (1905년) ◈

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페이지 최종 수정일: 2004년 1월 1일