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◈ 윤치호일기 (1905년) ◈

◇ 2월 ◇

해설목차  1권  2권 3권  4권  5권  6권  7권  8권  9권  10권  11권  12권  윤치호

1. 2월 10일

1
10th.(7th of 1st Moon. Ulsa Year).
 
2
My Darling, the Sweet, Patient, Brave and Lovely Darling passed into the happier world to which she belongs at 2:15 p.m. on this day in the Severance Hospital.
3
About the 13th or 15th of January, she complained of acute pains or 肚裏痛 in the lower left side of her abdomen. Getting worse day after day, Dr. Cutler was consulted. The doctor seemed unable to locate the trouble for a week or so. Now and then my Darling would get so well that she could sit up and attend to business for a whole day. Then she would go to bed again. The pains came on and off for nearly two weeks.
4
On the 29th January Dr. Cutler called in Dr. Avison to consult. After careful examination and consultation the doctors advised to move her to the hospital for systematic and careful treatment. Dr. Avison spoke something about pregnancy outside of the womb.
5
On the 30th January, 甲辰臘月廿五日, Monday, my Darling went to Dr. Cutler's hospital about 4 p.m. in her chair. She was a little better.
6
Went to see her in the hospital soon after and found her in good spirit. I asked her if she felt at ease to be in hospital. She said, "Yes 我巒放心." Dr. Cutler, above all Miss Edwards, did everything to make her comfortable.
7
The 31st January, Darling seemed quite well. She looked so sweet and pretty.
8
On the 1st February, I was sick. I went to General Hasegawa's entertainment at 7 p.m. Too sick to sit through the dinner. Came home chilly and feverish. The second and 3rd I wrote to Darling I was too sick to come and see her.
9
On the 4th February 乙巳正月初一日 went to pay my New Year's respects to Father and Mother. From there went to see my Darling. She chided me for going out with my cold. She looked well and pretty. She had the doctor's order to keep perfectly quiet.
10
The 6the February, she was not very well. She said the pains came again.
11
On the 7th February, went to the office. In the evening Father told me that he had been to see my Darling and that the doctor had taken out something from inside. Then our children went to see their precious Mother, alas! for the last time in this world. Poor things.
12
Saw Darling about 5 p.m. She told me that she cried so when my Father came to her. She laughingly said that Helen tried to lie down with her on the cot and then the little thing seemed to be angry at the dear 어머니 for having left her alone so many days. Dr. did not take out anything as Father misunderstoood my Darling's words, but simply examined the inside with an instrument to ascertain what was the matter. Dr. Cutler spoke of operation.
13
On the 8th February, preparations were made, but Dr. Avison not coming, no operation. My Darling seemed to be anxious to be through with it to save her from the awful pains. Bitterly cold.
14
The 9th February, I called on Dr. Cutler in the morning. She said she would perform the operation if Dr. Avison could come that day. I had trimmed my hair and Darling said the hair was cut too short. She was pale but as sweet as ever. While in the office about 3 p.m. got a note from Dr. Avison telling me that in his opinion an immediate operation necessary. Flow to the hospital and found Dr. Avison, Dr. Munch and Dr. Cutler busy in getting things ready. Dr. Avison told me for the first time that the case was very serious; that left alone the patient might be carried off at any moment form loss of blood; that operation offered the only chance for life. The choice was between certain death and a possible chance. My Darling, always brave and trusting, was willing to undergo the operation. When I told her―and, I betrayed nervousness―she said in a slightly trembling voice, "若然有唅事體未當心小圖. Give them good education." I could not speak. Dr. told me not to make her nervous.
15
The sun too far gone, the Doctors decided to have the patient removed to Dr. Avison's hospital, where lights and other equipments are more up to date then at Dr. Cutlers. It was nearly dark when we got to the hospital.
16
The operation began at 7:20 under Dr's Avison, Munch, Cutler and Hirst, who came in later. The work lasted nearly two hours. About 8:50 everything was done and the Doctors seemed very well satisfied. The case proved what Dr. A. had told me, viz. a case of extra-uterine pregnancy. The offending object was removed. Darling suffered much from 腰痛. She said 허리어젓서. so often. Miss Edwards did her best for the poor Darling. A little after 12, I left the hospital.
17
The 10th February 乙巳正月初七日 Friday, Early to the sick room. Darling in her senses. Suffered much from pains caused by constant efforts to throw up phlegms. While we, Miss Edwards and I, tried to turn her from one side to another, Darling said "Let Mr. Yun help you." Some time later, when she seemed a little easier she said in Chinese to me 找妤點末儂來本哉. The Doctors seemed to entertain no fears and I was in firm belief that Darling was doing all right. About 10 a.m., went to the office, as the Foreign Office was to entertain the Chinese Ministers. At 4 p.m. a note from Dr. Avison came. It began, "I am greatly grieved to say that Mrs. Yun passed away at 2 o'clock very quietly but suddenly." It was enough the fool who brought the note had been 2 hours to reach me!
18
Flew to the hospital. Darling was not in the room I had left her. In another room, with the cold, biting wind blowing over her remains, the casket which contained the precious jewel was laid under a sheeting. The shock was so sudden and heavy that I could not even weep. I simply groaned.
19
I had to go about, inspite of the heart rending sorrows, to make arrangement for the burial of the remains of the darling woman who gave her life for me. I thought of burying her on the vacant lot near our house. I never thought of asking for a lot in the Foreign Cemetery. But on the 11th, when I called on Dr. Allen, whose sympathies were real for some business, he first suggested burying her in the Foreign Cemetery. To think was to act. He at once wrote a circular not to his colleagues for permission. In the evening of the same day, Dr. Allen informed me of the fact that the permission had been secured. I can not sufficiently thank the good and generous Doctor for this favor.
20
The 13th February, Monday, 乙巳正月甘十日. At 10 the funeral was held in Dr. Avison's hospital. All the members of the legations and consulates, almost all the ladies and men of the missionary bodies―except Mrs. Underwood―were present. Rev. Moose conducted the service. Doctors Gale and Underwood helped him.
21
Hymns: How Firm a Foundation; Unto the Bountiful Father: Abide with me.
22
The procession to the Foreign Cemetery left Hospital at 11 a.m. Reached Foreign Cemetery about 1 p.m. Foreign friends present: Professor Hulbert, Gillett, Emberley, Reynolds, Bunker, Reverend Moose, officiating Ladies: Mrs. Scranton, Misses Josephine Hounshell, Edwards, Harbouth, G., Mrs. Halifat.
23
Reid Candler did not seem to realize his loss, while Allen did, weeping most touchingly. Laura did not go.
24
Mr. Emberley screwed the lid of the outer coffin.
25
When, in the latter part of last December, I went to the Foreign Cemetery with Dr. Allen to see the ground which the committee of the Foreign Cemetery through the Doctor, asked the Korean Government to add to the Cemetery, did I even dream that in about a month I should bury my Darling Love there!
26
Yen 20 for the lot 10 feet by 10 feet.
27
Returned to my desolate home in the night. Everything in and about the house reminding me of my departed Love. On the 14th and the 15th had the painful tasks of putting her things in trunks.
28
No desire―indifference to everything―This world with all its changing phenomena an empty shell The invisible world to which my Darling has gone is real and near to me. I can not think and feel any otherwise than that my love is there smiling in her beautiful smiles to me. I can take her to my bosom―now. If there is a realm where the pure, the brave, the sweet must go, my Love is there. Whenever I leave this world, so full of sin and sorrow, the greatest pleasure of my future life will be to meet her there. I know she will grasp my hand as she used to and kiss me and love me as she used to.
29
The sting of my sorrow is that I have not been able to give her comforts for the ten sad and trouble some years she was with me; that I have too often showed short temper. Oh, my Love, thou who lovest me with all my faults, to thy death, love me still. May thy sacred and sweet memories, nay, thy spiritual presence, inspire me with noble thoughts and life.
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